Yoga, once a no-go, is a-go-go again

I mean, if anyone's going door to door
hocking religion like it's a lawn service...

Do they not get this is why the rest of us think they're a bunch of backwards, kinda racist dumbs? I'm genuinely asking. Because did you see this thing about how yoga was banned in Alabama schools? Well it was. Until now anyway. According to NPR, Governor Kay Ivey signed a bill yesterday that lifted the ban first implemented in 1993 because of yoga's connections to Hinduism which jittery Alabamans feared would convert their kids. Which, I mean, have you ever had a Hindu evangelist try and convert you? Because I don't think that's a thing they do.

But before you go and assume this is another example of the Satanic Panic Bible thumpers overreaching and legislating their values, it totally was. You assumption is well-founded. A conservative Christian group called The Eagle Star Star Star Forum of Alabama pushed for the ban in the first place and have been vocally opposed to the ban's repeal. 

The Eagle Star Star Star Forum of Alabama:
"We love the shit out of America"

Do I even have to tell you that this is
Becky Gerritson? Because of course this 
 is Becky Gerritson. Of course it is.

"If this bill passes, then instructors will be able to come into classrooms as young as kindergarten and bring these children through guided imagery, which is a spiritual exercise, and it's outside of their parents' view. And we just believe that this is not appropriate."

-Becky Gerritson, director of 

TESSSOA, asking if someone 

won't please think of the children

Ok, it's not completely harmless, but 
they don't teach fire spitting and 
teleportation until at least high school.

Gerritson's objection then, however misguided, is that spiritual exercises have no place in public schools. Which ok, I kind of get what she's going for there, but I don't think she knows what she's talking about. I mean, in seven years of taking yoga I've never been brought through guided imagery, but what do I know? And technically yoga does have its roots in Hindu culture. So maybe she has a point? Obviously yoga's not dangerous, but then that's not what she's arguing. She's arguing that school should be a secular environment and that- 

Oh, wait her organization is a political action group whose values are explicitly Christian. Ok, not Christian Christian, but that Red State, Evangelical kind that thinks Jesus loves rich people and is pro-death penalty. So, white Jesus Christian.

"Ted, I'd like you to meet Jesus Christ our new CFO. He's got some new
ideas about how we can double our Q3 numbers with a little creative accounting.
C'mon, he's going to tell us all about it at this new strip club he knows."

-Some business guy

Becky? No? Nothing to say? Interesting.

Weirdly, nowhere on the TESSOA website does it say anything about opposing school prayer or removing "Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, so in many ways Becky can shut the hell up about the dangers of guided imagery. Anyway, who cares? The ban is over and now schools can do yoga in gym class. Hooray, the good guys won. Except they kind of didn't because like everything today, conservatives have to stick in some shit sandwich clause to make sure their precious, precious worldview isn't shaken by anything too, you know, ethnic. 

Fine, I've never been hypnotized
in a yoga class...that I know of.

Yup, Republicans tacked on an amendment that says that all instruction be limited to things like stretching, twisting and balancing and that  "[c]hanting, mantras, mudras, use of mandalas, of hypnotic states. guided imagery, and namaste shall be expressly prohibited." Again, I know that maybe different instructors have different practices, but I've never been hypnotized in a yoga class. And "namaste shall be expressly prohibited?" Like it's vaping. You don't namaste, you say namaste. It's like yoga aloha and it's not going to convert your damn kids.

And just in case your xenophobia alarms weren't already going off, the amendment also says that  "[a]ll poses, exercises and stretching techniques shall have exclusively English descriptive names." Because the term "shavasana" is the first step on a path the leads to meth and voting for Bernie Sanders. Which, I mean, holy shit, these people. 

Sometimes I think conservatives are 
just looking for things to culture war over.