But it'll still have the Bat-nipples, right?

Just to be clear, I don't have any particular problem with late film maker Joel Schumacher but a director's cut of Batman Forever? Does anyone really want that? Anyone at all?

"Uh...no?"

                                                             -Batman, correctly solving my riddle

"For all sad words of tongue or pen, the
the saddest are these: it might have been."

-John Greenleaf Wittier,

on recasting Two-Face  

Evidently someone does, or at least a writer at Variety needed to crank out an article because now the "Schumacher cut" is a thing people are talking about. For people with lives I should explain. Batman Forever is the third Batman movie released and probably the second worst. Val Kilmer's performance is kind of wooden and vacant, but I think he narrowly edges out Christian Bale, who is mathematically speaking, the worst Batman. Yeah, you heard me. In any event, it's a forgettable if innocuous entry in the series whose greatest sin was recasting Billy Dee Williams with Timmy Lee Jones.

Yeah, I'm sick of me too, but it's not
 like I'm not right about this. Search
your feelings, you know it to be true.

But why then are we even talking about this? Two reasons that I can see: One, Joel Schumacher died a couple weeks ago so I suppose people are suddenly interested in his version of the movie. And two: because we live in a terrifying age where all fans have to do is hashtag a thing and it becomes so. Sometimes it works out. The movie version of Sonic the Hedgehog was nightmare fuel until fans demanded the studio do something about his creepy human teeth. On the other hand, The Rise of Skywalker was basically written and directed by toxic fan tweets so...

Doing this saves lives, but sure,
Batman Forever's important too...

And now we nerds turn our awesome powers of social media pressure to getting a longer-30 minutes longer-darker version of a twenty-five year old mediocre Bat-outing which may, or may not exist. Apparently the studio is being cagey about whether or not enough of the original footage is even still around. Anyway, it seems like we could use our powers to demand something more meaningful. Like, mask wearing ordinances or justice for victims of police brutality, but sure, let's push for a new cut of Batman Forever.

Ok, fine, if we're going to waste the monkey's paw that is internet pressure on something Batman, could we at least waste it on something more important? Like persuading HBO to rethink its just announced Batman spin-off show about the Gotham City Police? I guess they looked at Gotham, Pennyworth, the entire Arrow-verse and that Joker movie and said, hey, why not one more thing about people who know, but who are not themselves Batman? I mean, just make a Batman TV show already.

Because if there was ever a better time for a TV show about a
corrupt police force who lets an anonymous and completely
unaccountable vigilante brutalize poor people, it's 2020.