Today in provocations of class warfare:

I don't know about the rest of you CEO's, but I've just about had it with my lazy staff using the bathroom on company time. Full disclosure: I'm not a CEO. Anyway, good news for companies looking for new ways to demean and humiliate their employees: a British start up called StandardToilet has come up with the StandardToilet.

Pictured: The suspiciously photogenic team
at StandardToilet, seen here innovating...uh, things. 

Thirteen degrees exactly. Any
more or less could be fatal. 

The name is both ironic and unimaginative, because the toilet is not at all standard, but rather has a 13 degree incline designed to-get this: make the toilet as uncomfortable as possible without permanently causing injury to your company's layabout worker drones. According to the product's developer, Manbir Gill, excessive toilet breaks cost the British economy up to four billion pounds per annum-and, wait, how does one even go about calculating that? You don't suppose they just made that figure up, do you? Just pulled it out of their annum, if you will (please don't).

Naw...I'm probably just being overly suspicious. I mean, why would the manufacturers of a toilet designed to combat excessive toilet breaks lie about the economic repercussions of excessive toilet breaks?

Because capitalism is predicated on a certain amount of deception?

Healthy colons means
happier more productive workers. 

Now if a toilet deliberately designed to be uncomfortable so people get the hell back to work seems insufficiently insulting to you, just wait, because there's more. Not only do they predict that the StandardToilet will lead to a 25% reduction in bathroom breaks (because math is whatever you want it to be), but that by encouraging people to spend less time on the can, their toilet will also prevent hemorrhoids, fight excessive straining (eww) and encourage better posture.

Look, I'm not a toilet scientist, but the average CEO makes two hundred and seventy one times the average worker's pay. Sure, CEO-ing probably involves skill and experience, but CEO's aren't that rare, are they? And are their talents two hundred seventy one times as rare as say yours or mine? I ask because it kind of seems like instead of humiliating and painful toilet technology, we could just pay more reasonable salaries. Not only would it save us billions, but it might also stave off the bloody revolution we are barreling towards.

"Barreling what? Sorry, it's difficult to hear over the sound of our
private jet's engines combined with the clinking champaign flutes."

-The incredibly wealthy