Elon Musk: Spin-Wizard

In case you missed it last Thursday, Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and unstable genius, unveiled a hideous electric pick-up truck, dubbed Cybertruck because Musk evidently treats Snowcrash as a marketing textbook. In addition to saving our planet by being electric, the Cybertruck is also purportedly super-durable with thick-rolled steel panels and unbreakable, even bulletproof windows.

Of course there is only one cybertruck as far as I'm concerned. 

"I uh..wow, that's...that's a thing."

-Everyone

Unbreakable bulletproof windows that immediately cracked under the impact of a steel ball thrown by Franz von Holzhausen, one of the truck's designers. Wah-wah. Although in defense of Tesla, seriously, how many steel balls does one encounter running to the hardware store or helping a friend move a futon? And to their credit, the side panel did withstand a blow from a sledgehammer, although maybe think about moving out of that neighborhood.

Anyway, the Cybertruck's presentation was, or rather would have been if Musk possessed the ability to accurately simulate our human emotions, embarrassing. But now he have an answer as to why the truck, is both ugly and in no way bulletproof. According to Musk, Cybertruck is too awesome.

"Let's see, sixty percent shame, forty percent anxiety
and-there, is that...does that read as embarrassment?"

-Elon Muck, simulacrum

Pictured: one of SpaceX's space vehicles.

On Twitter, Musk explained that the general unpleasant-to-look-at-ness comes from the thick-rolled steel that the body is made out of. It's the same stuff that SpaceX makes their space vehicles out of and it's just so damn rugged that it would damage factory equipment to try and stamp it into more appealing shapes and that's why Cybertruck looks like something out of Star Fox. Thick-rolled steel is basically the automotive equivalent of those Chuck Norris memes from 2005 and it's also why the windows broke. Yeah, hang on.

I mean we hardly ever talk about how he
named his company after a eugenics fan.

You see, when Musk had that von Holzhausen come out and wail on it with a sledgehammer, the sheer, uncompromising indestructibleness of the door panel caused undetectable damage to the glass making it shatter when he then tried to throw a metal pool ball at it. And just like that, Musk has flipped the narrative from a fiasco of public humiliation and internet ridicule to a dramatic demonstration of Cybertruck's sheer indomitability. Cybertruck is so powerful, that it broke itself. No one can tame Cybertruck! Holy shit, Elon Musk is some kind of spin wizard.

Of course on the other hand this seems like something they should have tried this out offstage first. Oh, and maybe the owner of the company and one of the people who designed it should have been aware of its limitations. But sure, well played Elon, well played.

Anyone who could turn a PR disaster like this into a story about
how awesome his ugly future truck is, is someone you want to follow
to Mars...just not in a spaceship designed by his engineers.