Cor blimey! They've gone an' nicked the loo!

Look, I don't know how the international art thief world works, but I mean, what are you going to do with a solid gold, one hundred and twenty pound toilet?

Anywhere it wants? Wait, I'm sorry, what was the question?

Above: Guggenhein staff member Jade
Solomon, seen here rethinking her career path.

I ask because this. Oh yes, this is not a hypothetical. A solid gold toilet is a thing that exists and someone has stolen it. Stolen it! Can you believe it? The missing toilet is actually an art installation by Mauritzio Cattelan called 'America,' which, we'll get to that, but it's a solid, 18-karat gold, fully-functional toilet. It was first installed, like literally installed, plumbed and everything, in the Guggenheim in New York back in 2016. And yeah, you could even use it.

That's great and all Mauritizio, but
c'mon. Like it's a golden toilet called
America. Seems pretty self-explanatory.

Why's it called America? Because art. I guess it's a commentary on America's weird relationship with the wealth. According to Cattelan:

"It holds out the promise of a quintessential American dream -- access to opportunity and development for all -- while making visible what is not attainable for most: gold."

-Mauritzio Cattelan, art'splaining

Here, I'll use it in a sentence: remember
that time Britain nicked India?

The piece was recently loaned out across the pond-as they say-to Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, England, which is Churchill's birthplace. Yeah, I don't know what Churchill has to do with solid gold social commentary, but there it is. Anyway, like the Guggenheim installation, the toilet or "bog" to put it British-ly, was hooked up into the palace's plumbing which caused a flood when it was nicked. Which is British for stolen. Incidentally, isn't their slang adorable?

The CEO of Blenheim Palace released a statement about how, even without the golden toilet, they still have plenty to offer visitors:

Like what? Why, room after room of
paintings of white dudes in wigs.

"It's...a great shame an item so precious has been taken, but we have so many fascinating treasures in the Palace and the remaining items of the exhibition to share. The investigation continues, but it will be business as usual from tomorrow, so visitors can continue to come and experience all we have to offer."

-Dominic Hare, a man 

who let thieves walk

off with a golden toilet

Anyway, I can't help but feel a little like maybe this is why we shouldn't lend our art to Britain. And I don't know if you know this, but their police don't even carry guns. In fact, their population is, by and large unarmed. If this were America, I'm sure someone would have already been indiscriminately gunned down over this outrage.

"'Ello 'ello, what's all this then?"

-Official police statement