I mean, why even leave the house anymore?

I guess what I want to know is, who is this for? Like, it can't be shut ins, because you have to be out of the house when they come. And it costs extra so it seems like the people able to afford it should be able to do their own shopping, so-huh? What?

No, I'm not talking about burgers. Why...why would burglary cost extra?

"I heard that...and I'm telling Bezos."

-Alexa, threatening me

You have a point though, I probably should explain. I'm talking about Walmart delivering food to your fridge. Yeah, in an effort to out do Amazon in the category of 'companies that are far, far too much up in your business,' Walmart InHome will bring groceries to you. And not like to your house, I mean someone from Walmart will come into your house, open your fridge and put food in it like some kind of paid by the hour food elf. Like, it's not just me? The idea that you'd let some rando move stuff around in your fridge is super-invasive right?

I mean like putting it on a burger...
God, what did you think I meant?

Ok, it's more complicated than someone strolling in with groceries. For one thing, you have to be out of the house when they show up. For another, like some kind of internet-era vampires, they can only enter if you remotely open your door using some kind of smart home set up. And because ours is a terrifying world full of paranoia, the delivery person has to wear a body cam so you can watch from an app and make sure the delivery person isn't helping themselves to a pot holder or doing unspeakable things to your mayonnaise, but still.

According to Walmart:

I'm not sure Walmart's efforts to make
things easier for customers have really
been doing anyone any favors.

"Customers have more choices than ever before when it comes to how they get their groceries. They can shop with us in stores, order online for free pickup or have groceries delivered to their front doors....Which got us thinking...what if we could literally take it one step further and make it even easier?"

-Marc Lore, President of 

Walmart eCommerce and Director

of Bleak Orwellian Development 

Which got me thinking...how much further can they take it? How much further should they take it? Exactly how in our lives do we want goddamn Walmart to be?

"And why stop there? Next year we'll be rolling out Walmart InDentured Servants,
where you'll rent Walmart Staff. Not only will they do your shopping, they'll cook your 
food, clean your house and even raise your children for you. You'll basically own them."

-Marc Lore, Taking it one step further

Sure, they smile, but if you think the Grubhub
delivery person has anything but disdain for
you and your abject laziness, you are mistaken.

But back to the original question of 'who is this for?' I mean, ordering food online and having it delivered to your house is already something people do. It's called delivery and it's been around for decades. Sure, grocery delivery is kind of new, but not unheard of, in fact Walmart already does that too. The only thing this service does that's novel is that they'll put it in your fridge, which like, who are these people that are so crushed by the basic necessities of adulthood that they have to pay a gigantic national chain to take the burden off of them?

Oh, and let's not forget about the Walmart workers who have to go do this. Supposedly they'll get paid extra, but body cam or no, how long do you think it'll be before some creeper orders food just so they can get 'caught' just getting out of the shower? Which will happen. You might say I'm just paranoid thinking people will abuse this service in weird, gross ways, but you know I'm right. You know I'm right.

Pictured: Kevin from Walmart, about
to see that which can not be unseen.