I stand behind my sour grapes.

Well, that's disappointing. The Muller Report I mean. I think a lot of us were hoping it would end with the former host of The Apprentice being perp-walked out of the Oval Office, but instead it's going to be weeks and months of shitty tweets from the President gloating about how guilty he's not. Which is bullshit because not getting caught isn't the same thing as not being guilty.

Sour grapes? Absolutely, but they're still, you know, grapes. 

"They couldn't prove
anything, so vote Trump!"

Attorney General William Barr released a summary of the Mueller report in which he said that the Special Counsel found no evidence that the Trump campaign coordinated with Russia. They benefited from Russian efforts to screw with our elections, sure, but they apparently didn't colluded with them. So they were tools, unwitting tools, but tools and I'm not sure we needed a two year investigation to come up with that. But hey, here we are. The worst part is going to be Trump's bragging about how he won fair and square when really he won because Russia wanted us to have the worst possible President.

"What? Conflict of interest? Me?
I...uh...hey, look over there!"

-William Barr, easier today

As for obstruction of justice, same deal, it's not that he didn't obstruct justice, it's that the Special Council decided not to decide. Instead, according to Barr's summary, he laid out the arguments for and against prosecuting the President and left it to the Attorney General to decide whether or not to pursue. Barr, the AG Donald Trump appointed who in a surprise twist, looking at all the evidence and taking, I don't know, twenty minutes to think it over, decided not to prosecute. But at least Barr quotes Mueller's report by pointing out that:

"...while this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it does not exonerate him."

-Robert Mueller being super-clear that

he's not exonerating the President

Hey, do you suppose in retrospect, leaving it up the
the President's appointees to decide whether or not to
prosecute was, I don't know, maybe not the best move?

"In my defense, a decent chunk of the
electorate are dumb idiots."

-Huckabee Sanders

The White House of course wasted little time lying to our collective faces:

"The Special Counsel did not find any collusion and did not find any obstruction...The findings of the Department of Justice are a total and complete exoneration of the President of the United States."

-White House Press Secretary

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, hoping

we're all incredibly stupid

Pictured: Huckabee Sanders holding
a press conference earlier today.

I mean-did you, did you see what she did there? Barr's summary specifically says that Mueller didn't make a call on the obstruction of justice charges and Huckabee Sanders doesn't either, instead saying that the DOJ's findings exonerate Trump. So anyone not listening very carefully to her words is going to start parroting that the Mueller Report exonerates the President. Which it doesn't, it says it doesn't, but that's not going to be the narrative. This is how these people work, which is why we call them garbage people.

So now what? Move to Canada? Drink? Not bad ideas, but take heart, there's still the three or four hundred other investigations being run by people Donald Trump didn't personally appoint and failing that there's an election coming up next year. If we can stick it out until then, we should be ok...unless of course it's another shit show of gerrymandered districts, fake Facebook posts, and last minute email hacks, but that wouldn't happen twice in a row, would it? Wait...would it?

"You wouldn't think so, but not much surprises me now...
Anyway, I should be going, I've got a book tour to get back to."

-The woman most of us voted for