Today in things that are not Coachella:

You know how sometimes I go off on a subject that I may find totally interesting but you maybe don't care about? Maybe you're not into sci-fi or don't really have a strong opinion about the next Mega Man game. That's cool. I mean, I wonder why we're even friends but still, it's cool. Anyway, today's post is going to get into the weeds about Burning Man, so if it's not your cuppa, bail out now. If it is, buckle up. If it's not, tune in next time for, I don't know, probably something about Star Trek?

Yeah, that's a safe bet...

You know, people who shout
'woooo!' instead of saying words.

Still with me? Super. So I tried to watch one of the Fyre festival documentaries on-huh? Yeah, there's two. For those unfamiliar, Fyre festival was some kind of gigantic failure/scam in which would be festival goers paid ridiculous sums of money to go to a luxury music festival that turned into a shit show. I think the organizer went to jail. I say 'I think' because I couldn't get through the documentary. It was depressing. Not because of the cheese sandwiches or disappointed wooo people, but because of a comparison.

You heard me, umbrage. And yes,
I picture her too when I hear that word.

Early in the documentary, someone says something like 'Fyre Festival was supposed to be the next Burning Man or the next Coachella.' Which, no. I've been to Burning Man like nine times and no, it's nothing like Coachella thank you very much. I don't mean to yum yuck Coachella people (yes I do), and I get that Burning Man isn't everyone's thing, but I take umbrage at the lumping together of those events with the Burn. Defensive? What? No, you are. But for real, I want to clarify that these are different things.

Limited showers, but amble squeegees.

Sure, they're both multi-day events and have limited shower facilities. And there might be some other passing similarities, but Burning Man is, ideally, an anti-commerce happening were shit gets set on fire. I'll spare you the cultish recitation of the Ten Principles, but just know that it's pro-participation and personal expression and actively opposed to commercialization and profit-making where as Coachella is definitely commercial and Fyre Festival was pyramid scheme or something. The point is that they're different.

Coachella and things like it are about something you go see. Maybe you go see a band or a DJ or whatever, but with Burning Man you have to like, do something. You can't just roll up in a luxury RV, freshly showered with sherpas and private chefs in tow sporting those incredibly offensive, culturally appropriated feathered headdresses and not expect someone to vandalize your stupid plug and play camp.

Pictured: people doing it wrong.

Pictured: people doing it right.

Self-reliance is one of the event's things. You build your camp, you make art or perform or something and then, at the end, you break it down and comb the desert floor picking up every last piece of trash. It's participatory. It's not supposed to be a vacation. And you're really not supposed to network or try to launch your dumb product there, and that's what's apparently been happening recently. Fortunately, the organization is trying to do something about it. Marian Goodell, the CEO of Burning Man, which itself sounds like a contradiction, announced a new effort to de-glamp and de-commodify the event.

Do your research Quiznos.
We like Subway, okay?

Calling it a cultural course correction, Goodell laid out a bunch of changes to the ticketing policy which will hopefully make it harder for plug and plays to buy up and resell tickets. As for treating it like Linkedin, or using the playa as a background for a commercial photo shoot, there's not a lot to be done other than calling it out when we see it. They did once sue Quiznos for an ad where Burners traded back rubs for sandwiches which is exactly the opposite of how the gifting economy is supposed to work, but still.

Anyway, like I said before, if you're not into the whole Burning Man thing this was probably incredibly boring for you, but if you take one thing away from this it's that it's not goddamn Coachella. It's very important to me that you don't confuse me with someone who would go to Coachella. Totally different.

This is a picture of people at Coachella where as...

...this is people at Burning Man and-at least, I think-
I think that's right...just trust me, they're totally different.