He knows it's already a thing, right?

In another brilliant innovation from the man who routinely brings us angry tweets and Oscars commentary, Donald Trump, the former host of The Apprentice, has decided that the fourth of July should be the date for a brand new celebration-'A Salute to America.'

Wait, Obama Inauguration big or Women's March big?
I ask because the administration isn't great at estimating crowd size.

Pictured: a fictional President who's
a murder and played by a sex offender,
whom most of us would rank above Trump.

Fireworks? Entertainment? An address by our favorite President? Which, our favorite President? Does he really think that...whatever, moving on. Now, some haters, that is people who are alive and aware of things, have pointed out that the Fourth of July is already an American holiday and has been for over two-hundred years and that's true, but Trump's Independence Day celebration will be totally different because it will include a parade. Yes, a Fourth of July Parade. Now that's thinking outside the box if you ask me.

Well, maybe not so welcoming
 to these guys...so welcome to most.

CNN asked spokesperson for D.C. mayor Muriel Bowser for some clarity about how this celebration is different from literally every celebration since the end of the eighteenth century:

"Like you, we are assessing what will be different this year but we know these celebrations only truly salute America when they are inclusive, diverse and welcome all,"

-D.C. Mayor's Spokesperson

"So how come there's
no white history month?"

-some idiot

No, not at all different. So obviously that's coming from the Mayor's office where they are no doubt scrambling to prepare for whatever half thought out propaganda fest the President suddenly decided to throw for himself at tax payer expense. I mean, c'mon, the President would never use words like inclusive and diverse. If you recall, Trump based his entire campaign on persuading racist idiots to vote for him by railing against inclusiveness and diversity. And isn't he trying to appropriate funds to built his dumb wall? And-forget it. Sometimes we just have to pick our battles.

Because suddenly Americans need an
excuse to celebrate how great we think we are?

So you're probably wondering why Donald Trump is throwing himself a Fourth of July parade and the go-to answer is because he's a narcissistic goon in need of constant praise and validation, but that's too easy. Not incorrect, just too easy. I mean, sure, this is a guy who has routinely throws rallies for himself between his extended golf vacations so he can bask in the adoration of the aforementioned idiots, but this feels like something else, something sinister. But what?

Maybe he thinks if he throws a parade we'll all forget about climate change or the wealth disparity? Like a bread and circuses thing? Or maybe it's an attempt to distract us from the fact everyone responsible for getting him into office is going to prison. Or could it be, and I don't think this is as paranoid and crazy as it sounds, some kind of trap? Guess we'll just have to wait for A Salute to America Day, which, and save the date, is on July 4th.

Whatever Trump's real reasons are, if he starts blaring Prince
music and showering parade goers with cash, run. Just run.