Theoillogical!

Look, I'm not a biblical scholar. Far from it. But I do live in America, which is like, super Christian. Not like, officially or even legally, but basically our culture is soaking, absolutely soaking in Bible juice so most of us, regardless of our personal beliefs, have at least a passing understanding of Christianity. Except when it comes to, you know, doing anything the Bibles actually says.

Don't hold your breath...

Yes, detention centers because we, as a
country have forgotten the lesson of X-Men.

Speaking of, Attorney General Jeff Sessions speaking to law enforcement yesterday used the Bible as justification for the Government's policies towards illegal immigrants, specifically when it comes to taking children away from their parents and locking them in detention centers. Which in this bleak dystopia in which we find ourselves, is a thing we do now. First, Sessions Republisplained to us how law works, because really at the very heart of this immigration debate is the fact that everyone's an idiot but him:

"Persons who violate the law of our nation are subject to prosecution. If you violate the law, you subject yourself to prosecution."

-Jeff Sessions, legal expert

Pictured: A mural at detention center in Texas which, I shit you not, features a quote from
Donald Trump's Art of the Deal: "Sometimes losing a battle you find a new way to win the war."
The quote is in English and Spanish, you know, to inspire the children we're locking up.

Because I kind of got the
exact opposite impression.
But again, what do I know?

With that out of the way, Sessions went on to further wow us with his legal prowess by citing the Bible as a reason we should all shut up:

"I would cite due to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13 to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes"

-Jeff Sessions, on Jesus's  famous 

respect for governmental authority

Wait, I'm confused, is the biblical take away for Jeff Sessions that Jesus challenged Roman authority and got what he deserved?

"Don't go blaming me for this one..."

-God

Which, cool, leaving aside the fact that the First Amendment talks about keeping religion out of government even before freedom of speech, is the Attorney General suggesting that God not only gives a damn about American politics, but that he personally ordained, in some medieval divine right of kings bullshit, that the former host of The Apprentice win the 2016 election? Because I'm pretty sure our archaic electoral college system did that. Trump's just the guy that bragged to Billy Bush about sexually assaulting women and then won the election anyway because racists were bitter about eight years of a black President.

Pictured: The scene from the New
Testament wherein Jesus rounds up
all the illegal immigrant children and
 leads them off to a detainment camp.

He went on to further support his argument by pointing out the objective morality of separating children from their parents:

"Orally (?) and lawful processes are good in themselves. Consistent, fair application of the law is in itself a good and moral thing and it protects the weak, it protects the lawful."

-Jeff Sessions on how detainment camps

for kids is like, super moral you guys

Can we just go back to the part where a guy appointed by Donald Trump just extolled the virtues of consistent and fair application of the law? Because that was amazing.

Pictured: A walking, bloviating refutation of
the idea that America gives a shit about the
consistent and fair application of law.