Behold: The Power of Lowered Expectations!

Move over Cicero...

So I didn't watch the speech. Yeah, the speech. I couldn't. I simply didn't think my stomach lining could take any more rage-acid. I was instead, no lie, in a yoga class. I have however been following the reaction. Apparently it was a triumph of the human spirit in which Donald 'grab'em by the pussy' Trump was transformed from the misogynistic, xenophobic real-estate sleeze and darling of white supremacists into a towering statesman in just one evening.

Above: The bar in question.

Which I take to mean he managed to go an hour and a half without Tweeting a grammatically suspect and paranoid theory about Obama secretly orchestrating Sunday's Oscars screw up. Is that how low the bar is now? The President didn''t start rabidly foaming at the mouth during a speech, so now the last five weeks of Benny Hill with access to missile codes are suddenly forgotten?

Pictured:the ruins of a typical
American city. Thanks Obama...

Anyway, like I said, I couldn't bring myself to watch it, but I have been reading the transcript and it's unsurprisingly a list of meaningless warm fuzzies about how awesome America is and bluster-brags about how the coming of Trump has heralded a new beginning for our nation with our industries pouring billions into our economy as try to rebuild from the wreckage of the last 8 years of peace and prosperity. Here's a snippet:

For those keeping score, quiet voices 
became a chorus that became an earthquake.

"But then the quiet voices became a loud chorus, as thousands of citizens now spoke out together from cities small and large all across our country. Finally the chorus became an earthquake, and the people turned out, by the tens of millions, and they were all united by one simple but crucial demand: that America must put its own citizens first."

-Trump, strangely not mentioning the 

3 million more who voted for Clinton

I'm sure there's a new agency to help 
  victims of white collar crime too, right?
Because that's an actual thing that exists.

Yeah, ok. Most interesting however was the mention of a new agency going by the tortured acronym, VOICE, which stands for Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement which kind of sounds like Crime Engagement is a thing...but whatever, it's referring to crime committed by immigrants against white peo-oh, sorry, I mean citizens. He probably means citizens. Anyway, I thought I read somewhere that immigrants, on average commit way less crime than other groups, but that's probably just lies spread by Obama.

But it's not all doom and gloom. Oprah Winfrey told David Rubinstein that she wouldn't completely not say that she would never run against Trump. Holy shit, you know, the possibility of watching Oprah Winfrey kick Donald Trump's ass in an election might not only be proof that we've slipped into some impossible alternate universe, but also be the only thing that's going to get me through the next four years.

I think we all feel the way Oprah does.