Um, is Apple hitting on us?

Have you been feeling less attractive lately? Like, somehow you're no longer cool and you might as well never leave the your apartment ever again less you suffer the derision and disdain of your fellow humans? Well don't worry, because there's a cure!

I mean other than alcohol and Netflix.

Breaking News: Apple has new
products they'd like you to buy!

Apple is coming out with a whole new thing for you to buy in the desperate hope that it will fill the void in your life. And get this: it's a watch. So um, hurray! They announced it today at the huge launch event they threw for themselves. Now a cynic might point out that you don't really need a packed auditorium and a forty foot screen to roll out a new product, and that the company was just trying to make the announcement seem like an important event instead of a commercial so they could get some free media attention, but...I, uh, actually have no follow up for that.

Oh, go for it. It's not like Apple is going to
come out with a better one in 6 months... 

Anyway, the thing is called Apple Watch and for just $350 you can...well, $350 is just the base model which everyone knows is for suckers. It's the iPod Shuffle of watches. If you really want everyone at Starbucks to think you're awesome, you're going to want the $550 mid-range but better than the cheap-o version. Of course if you're like really super-rich and I don't know, un-aware that people are literally starving to death around the world, you can go all out and get the $10,000 18-karat gold version. No, really, ten thousand dollars. Of money.

Pictured: barbarians holding their phones
like it's the goddamn Middle Ages.

So what the hell does the Apple Watch do? Well, the usual stuff a smart watch does: tells time, sends text messages (albeit chosen from a list, as you can't type on the thing), listen to music. If that sounds an awful lot like what your iPhone does, it's because it is exactly what your iPhone does. In fact, I looks like your iPhone will be doing most of the work, since the Apple Watch has to be paired with one to function at all. So in a sense you're paying $550+ for the privilege of not having to pull your phone out of your pocket.

Well, second most personal depending
on what you use these iPod speakers for.

It probably does other things too, but after looking at the Apple website, I'm left with the unsettling impression that at least some of its features might be sexual. I mean, maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there, but check out some of the copy. And if you're not at work or anything, try reading it in a sexy voice to see what I'm talking about:

"Our goal is to make powerful technology more accessible. More relevant. And ultimately more personal. Apple Watch represents a new chapter in the relationship people have with technology. It's the most personal product we've ever made..."

Look, I know Apple isn't explicitly saying 'hey, you can even have sex with Apple Watch,' but is it just me or is there a subtle undercurrent in the advertising? Like maybe they kind of want you to think about having sex with Apple Watch.

Apple Watch: Coming April 2015
"Go ahead, strap one on."