Way to go America, way to go...

She's not saying 'We're #1,' she's just counting
the number of Black Fridays where nobody died.

Hey, good news everybody! It looks like we made it through this year's Black Friday jerkstravaganza without any shopping-related deaths. Hurray for us! USA! USA! Sure, 'no fatalities' may sound like a low bar when it comes to post-Thanksgiving shopping, but here in the U.S. this non-holiday is rapidly becoming known for a certain level of senseless violence and hostility. Of course, this year did see some fights and arrests, but that's to be expected. It's tradition.

Well, it's as traditional as some bullshit marketing ploy cooked up by retailers to drum up sales can be. Wait, is that tradition, or crass consumerism?

"It's a tradition because I say it's a tradition. Now get in there, throw some elbows
and grab a limited edition Disney Snow Glow Elsa doll® before we're sold out.
Unless, of course, you hate your niece. Do you hate your niece? You sicken me..."

-Doug McMillon, CEO Walmart

Due to the lack of boiled sheep organs
and congealed blood sausage, Thanksgiving
dinner never really caught on in the U.K.

Like, what is it that compels millions of shoppers to collectively forget that there's such a thing as the internet and willingly endure long lines, crowds and lunatics with tasers fighting over the last Black and Decker toaster oven like hyenas over a dead gazelle? What's the appeal? Clearly there must be one, because the yearly rabid-foam frenzy that retailers insist we love so much has spread to the U.K. which is absolutely inexcusable as they don't even celebrate Thanksgiving. The day after is just another day over there, arbitrarily chosen by companies hoping to replicate the horrorshow that is our Black Friday.

Here, check these out and keep in mind that these are the people who invented keeping calm while doing some other thing during the goddamn Blitz.

Tesco Security: "I beg your pardon, do excuse me as I put you in a headlock and escort you from the building."

Shopper: "Why certainly, it's no trouble at all. Would you mind terribly if I hurled verbal abuse at you along the way?"

Tesco Security: "Not at all, please do."