Titanic 2? What could possibly go wrong?

Wow, I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone decided to build a Titanic II. On Monday an Australian billionaire named Clive Palmer announced plans to tempt the wrath of whatever from high atop the thing by building a high-tech replica of the Titanic and then sending it from England to New York thus one-upping its namesake, you know, out of respect...or something.

In your face 1,500 victims of hubris!

Like this thing for example.
What the hell is up with this thing?

Richard Branson water skis with naked models, Dick Cheney hunts people for sport but this finally proves that Australians can go head to head-case with the world's richest crazies any day of the week-incidentally that day was yesterday, which in Australia was Monday and for us is today. Still with me? I'm sure it has something to do with the Coriolis effect* or something, but I prefer to chalk it up to the fact that they do everything wrong: they drive on the left, their seasons are reversed and their billionaires see opportunity in human tragedy.

There's a lot about this I just don't get. First of all, the plan calls for a 'high-tech' replica of the original liner. According to the AP article, that means GPS navigation, a more efficient hull-design and diesel rather than steam powered engines. I'm no historian, but doesn't that just make it a regular cruise ship? What's the point, other than turning a trans-Atlantic crossing into a really morbid vacation?

It's a floating casino/mall with a buffet and staph infection. Enjoy!

On-board activities include: karaoke,
shuffleboard and deck chair arranging.

I mean if they're going for historical accuracy, will a third of its passengers have to hang out in third class the whole time? Steerage (according to this) was kind of like one of the nicer layers of hell, unless you're into cramped conditions, no shower facilities and incessant Irish jigs. Also, the stupidly tragic lesson of the Titanic was how the class-system led to a disproportionate loss of life among the poorer passengers. With people Occupying places and things all over the world, is celebrating a gilded age of privilege for the wealthy few really a good move?

Social issues aside, the ship is not exactly going to be like a trip back in time. Sure they're going to glue some decorative smoke stacks on top so it sort of looks like the real deal, but the wifi and video-poker machines throw the authenticity out the window. Educationally speaking, it'd be like going to a Renaissance Festival expecting to learn something about the 16th century.

OMG! SPNISH RMADA LOST IN STRM? :) ROTFLMAO! #WAHWAH

-@vrgnqueen

"The Titanic is unsinkable. Do you
hear me God? Un-fucking-sinkable."

-George V of England

Look, the first Titanic (I can't believe I have to distinguish between ships named Titanic) was trumpeted by White Star Lines as unsinkable, they left the dock with half the necessary life boats and archival footage of the christening actually shows King George V breaking a champagne bottle over the bow and then waving his middle finger skyward. They were begging, begging God to sink the damn thing.


While I'm almost certain that the Titanic II won't hit an iceberg in the warm, glacier-free North Atlantic of the 21st century, it is going to be built by the lowest-bidding Chinese Shipyard a crazy Australian could find. Just keep that in mind before hopping aboard.

Taste this, and then tell me you're willing to trust these people with your life.

*I have a confession to make:

Above: Turns out that this is not
a substitute for actual science.

Please don't tell anyone, but I was embarrassingly far into my adulthood before realizing that the Coriolis effect does not make toilets drain clockwise in one hemisphere and counterclockwise in the other. I guess it's true of big things like typhoons, but the physics of bathroom fixtures are based more on the shape of the basin than the rotation of the earth. Why would I believe such a preposterous thing? Well, two reasons: The Simpson's Episode entitled Bart vs. Australia and the fact that I went to public school. Thanks education, you've screwed me again.

It was only after looking it up on Wikipedia, yeah, Wiki-goddamn-pedia that I discovered the sad truth: TV isn't always right.

We'd save ourselves a lot of time and frustration
if we just gave up and let kids use this as source material.