Won't somebody please think of the children!?!

One Million Moms are leading a crusade against delightful day-time talk show host Ellen Degeneres! One million. Wow, right? What could Ellen have possibly done to piss off a million mothers? Be the spokesperson for JC Penny, that's what. So what's their deal? Funny story.

Finally, the Helens Lovejoy of the world have a voice. A shrill, disagreeable voice.

Above: The most powerful tool you
have to remove tough stains.

This particular pack of mothers is actually part of the American Family Association. If you think the name smells a little judgy with just a waft of self-appointed moral guardian you've smelt right. The AFA is a non-profit group that promotes traditional (straight white Christian) family values by complaining about there being too many swears on the TV. The spin-off group, One Million Moms, is dedicated to cleaning up everything we watch, read and listen to. In fact, they tout themselves as "the most powerful tool you have to stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children."

Ok. So maybe they are powerful tools, but what specific depravity are they accusing Ellen DeGeneres of throwing at defenseless children? Is it her Emmy-winning TV show? Her fondness of blazers? Or could it be her famously abusive threats of violence towards those who refuse to dance?

'I swear to god, if you slack-jawed mid-western hausfraus don't get up
and dance, I am going to fucking kill every last one of you.'

-Ellen, in a typical rant

Or maybe they just love lesbians.

Nope, it's because she's a lesbian and they don't like lesbians. A pretty uptight attitude for an organization with a deceptively zen acronym like 'OMM.'  In a surprisingly bad-ass move for a store that sells Liz Claiborne and hosiery, JC Penny said it: "stands behind [their] partnership with Ellen DeGeneres." Good for them. Next time I need crew socks, I know where to go. Sure, it's probably motivated by PR, leveraging demographics and third quarter deliverables, but it's refreshing to see a company stand up to homophobia. Suck on that OMM.

Look, I'm not a parent and I'm not really sure what makes the moms of OMM (of the dads of OMD for that matter) think that Church-attendance and the ability to produce offspring entitles them to the moral high ground, but is it out of line to ask why they don't simply turn the television off?

I mean seriously, buy your kids some Veggie Tales DVD's or something and leave the rest of us alone.