Not everything needs to be a thing.

Finally, a toothbrush that combines the fun of brushing 
with tinny pop songs about abstinence!

See that thing on the right? Yeah, that's a Justin Bieber singing toothbrush. I discovered it next to Chap-Aid in the impulse item bin whilst waiting in line at the drugstore and just had to share. I took a picture with my cell, but it's somehow worse at being a camera than it is at being a phone, so here's a shot from the official website. Why is it? I don't know. Is there some connection I'm missing? Beiber + Toothbrush = $9.99 at Walgreen's. Really? I mean, what about the helmet headed Canadian tween's (what? I do my research) career made someone think: toothbrush?

Proof of a cold, godless
universe that hates fun. 

The answer, I'm sorry to say, is synergy. No, not Jem's holographic computer thing, but that murky corporate term that people use when they take two unrelated things and combine them in lieu of having an original thought. It's like Battleship the movie. Was Battleship a successful board game? Yes. Will they make a few bucks if we take a generic action sci-fi script and stick the name Battleship on it? Probably. Yeah, sure, they could've adapted something that better lends itself to a narrative than a board game but here we are. Clue worked, but it was about people and not, you know, battleships. Anyway, something tells me that with cross-promotional schlock like this, story is a distant third behind: 1) will we make money? and 2) how much money will we make? Battleship is a recognizable brand that had yet to be exploited in this way so there you go. 

This is not a new thing, nor are Beiber-Brushes or Battleship the worst examples ever. I mean Disney did manage to squeeze four movies out of a ride proving that we, as a nation, will buy anything. Oh, and remember when Capcom made a video game based on a movie based on the videogame Street Fighter II? No? Well, it happened and I'm pretty sure it opened up a wormhole or something.

Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game. 
Not even light can escape the gravity well of this game's synergy.

With just a hint of patronizing 

sanctimony...or possibly cinnamon.

For me the winner is definitely a cross-promotional cluster I found at Starbucks er...at a fine independently owned fair trade coffee shop...you know, the kind that displays local artists' work on the walls. It's Starbuck's MSNBC Morning Joe coffee. That's right, there is now an official coffee of Joe Scarborough's morning talk show. What makes this coffee Scarborough-y? Does it taste like smug asshole? No. It's just that some Alchemist of Suck noticed that the show was called Morning Joe and that no one had slapped the logo on a bag of beans yet. Showtime synergy!

It's like Starbucks is giving MSNBC a reach around.