I have a Vanilla Ice-based problem with this.

Far be it from me to yuck anyone's yum but--huh? I do it all the time? Wait--do I? Well, fine, but understand that before I yuck this particular yum, I'm just blogging here. I'm not like kept up at night by the thought of a dark and gritty take on the Ninja Turtles, but seriously, what is up with dark and gritty takes on Ninja Turtles? Were fans asking for that?

Gritty? Remember when they used to fly around on a blimp?

Above: Leonardo, seen here killing some dude.

I know that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started as a violent, bloody parody of comics full of stabbing and well, mainly stabbing. I mean, they are ninjas. And that's fine, but for nerds of a certain age, like myself, it was a cartoon that aired in the late 80's and early 90's. And a toy line. And bedsheets, lunchboxes, bubble bath, video games, a couple of Jim Henson movies, and absurdly, a live rock tour. Comic book artists Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird one day made the call that their creation would make way more money being kid-friendly and that was that.

So it's weird to me that the next TMNT movie is going to be a live-action R-rated revenge fantasy in which the last surviving turtle--that is, the other three are dead--fights fascism in a dystopian New York. 

Pictured: the Turtles, seen here enjoying some pizza, blissfully
unaware of the bleak future and violent deaths that await them.

Above: Michelangelo (you know, the party
dude?) being spurred on by the spirits of his
dead brothers in his suicidal journey of revenge. 

Um, yikes, right? It's based on a more recent revival of the stabbier take on the series called The Last Ronin, and I'm sure it's great if you're into that sort of thing. Like, movie studios do the math before they spend dime one and if there wasn't an audience for it, it wouldn't happen. And look, to be clear I'm not arguing that this shouldn't exist or anything, I'm just saying that I find the more adult version of TMNT both unsettling and puzzling. I mean, at some point fairly early on, the preponderance of Ninja Turtle...stuff, shifted from grimdark to Saturday morning and to my mind, there's no going back.

I realize they killed his dog, but there
is such a thing as a proportional response.

And was it even grimdark to begin with? My understanding is that it was a sendup of the self serious comics of the early 80's that then evolved into cartoony nonsense for kids. Some interpretations have veered a little more mature, like the early 2000's Fox Kids version, but mature here is thirteen year olds as opposed to ten year olds. So like, noticeably light on the John Wick-style tortured hero leaving a trail of dead in their wake. I guess I just have a hard time with the tonal shift or understanding why anyone wants to take this that seriously.

Is it weird that I, a gross ass adult, has a strong feelings about cartoon characters created for children? Yes. Do I have them anyway? Also yes, but I don't think I'm wrong.

What I'm saying is that once Vanilla Ice sings Ninja Rap in your movie,
there will be limits as to how seriously an audience can take your series.