Today in judgmental spyware:

What? How dare they? It? I mean, to come out of no where and--huh? How dare who? How dare Facebook's algorithm, that's who. I've made a lot of my lack of understanding of how the thing chooses what ads to throw at me, but I mean:

It's not, as the image would suggest, an ad for a new season of Archer,
but instead an ad for an app that helps you get over porn addiction.

"Wow, my feet are so clean! He really does
get us...you know, maybe I will keep the baby..."

Yeah, an app for people addicted to porn. Well, ok, an app for people who are addicted to porn and want to quit. And if the name of the app, Covenant Eyes, sounds a little Jesus-y to you, that's just because it is indeed super Jesus-y. But not in a you're going to hell you filthy pervert--although you are going to hell, you filthy pervert--but in a Jesus is cool and He gets us kind of way. Which is to say they try and keep the religious angle somewhat on the down low so as not to freak out the normies, but it's definitely there. And a little creepy.

Pictured: just a couple of regular
straight, Christian dudes who keep
tabs on one another's porn habits.

The app tracks your internet usage and then reports it to your "accountability partner." It can be anyone and the website even breaks it down by relationship. Covenant Eyes is for friends, couples, families, and individuals. All you have to do is look someone you care about in the eye and then tell them that you'd like to install an app on your phone that will alert them when you're looking at pictures of genitals on the internet. Then, I guess they're suppose to give you a call. You know, during, and talk you out of it. 

Oh...I don't? Because I absolutely do.
Have it memorized, that is. There aren't
follow-up questions, right? Ok, cool.

Oh, and good news: you don't even have to be a porn addict to use Covenant Eyes. Maybe there's somebody in your life whose interest in porn is bothering you, you know, religiously. Thanks to the app, you can now offer to help. Which I'm sure will be welcome and not at all regarded as an offensive overstep. You don't, as the website helpfully mentions, even have to have The Book of Proverbs memorized. Which I'm sure comes as a great relief. You can just call them up and ask them to download some judgmental spyware.

Look, I know that there are people who find great solace and community in their religion, and that it doesn't matter that I think Covenant Eyes is a creepy, intrusive, and dangerous tool made for people who's worldview doesn't 100% align with my own. That's fine, but what did I search for or click on that made Facebook think I would be interested in this? It's enough to make me wish there was some kind of app I could get a friend to download that would allow them to hold me accountable for what I'm doing--oh...I hear it now.

"All I'm asking is that you let me track your internet usage to
ensure that it aligns with my religious worldview. As a friend."

-definitely a thing friends ask of one another