The perfect holiday gift for your loathed ones!

Did you ever see the movie Elf? Yeah, I didn't, but it's a pretty popular holiday movie, so just by living in the world, I've unwillingly absorbed some awareness of it. Pop culture osmosis I guess. Anyway, there's a scene in it in which Will Ferrell--who's a human raised by elves I guess?--eats spaghetti covered in maple syrup and candy. 

This movie is not for me.

Above: a goddamned milkshake, and
we should all stop lying to ourselves.

The joke here is that elves love sugar. And I'm not entirely sure how this is any different from the sugar-loaded breakfast cereals we give to kids, or, for that matter, the soda, candy, and Starbucks nonsense we Americans consume regularly, but there you go. It's a movie, it's funny, whatever. But in our hyper capitalist dystopia, nothing can just be a thing. Everything has to be a tie-in, or a cross marketing opportunity, or a transmedia chimera of corporate synergy. And gross elf breakfast is no different, because you can now buy a Buddy the Elf Spaghetti kit.

Are the people who subscribe to
HelloFresh aware that they can buy
food in stores? Because they can.

HelloFresh, one of those companies whose ads you fast forward through while listening to podcasts, has partnered, or collaborated, or just paid for the licensing rights to the film to foist this upon an already super-addled unsuspecting public. HelloFresh, you might recall, sells "meal kits" which are boxes of individually wrapped ingredients and instructions on how to assemble and cook meals. So it's like real cooking, but with way more packaging waste and a far higher carbon footprint.

There is a finite amount of matter in the 
universe, so in a sense everything is limited. This
is just artificial scarcity designed to sell things.

The kit contains everything you need to replicate the nauseating sight of Will Ferrel forcing syrup-sodden pasta into his face, and it only cost fifteen dollars. And you know, dignity. And by everything, I mean Colavita brand spaghetti (synergy upon synergy!), maple syrup, chocolate syrup, marshmallows, cereal, and candy. The bad news is that it's already sold out. Which, I mean, as a licensed meal kit based on a holiday movie trading entirely on nostalgia, the very concept of "sold out" is taken to new and dizzying heights. Although you will have to wait for a restock. 

But I suppose that the good news here is that you don't need HelloFresh to assemble this for you. I mean, you could just drive to the grocery store and buy these horrible things, mix them in a bowl and go to town. Or you could, I don't know, not do that. You'll probably live longer.

This holiday, give the gift of type 2 diabetes.