Believeth in me and know everlasting HP

It seems like we've been waiting forever. In fact, it seems like the day would never come, but all those who doubted will soon learn the folly of their ways because Jesus is coming. Or at least the free demo version is.

Wow, I hope they didn't completely blow their budget on the new artwork.

For the record, Charles Manson did actually
claim to be Jesus Christ, so it's exactly the kind
of think Charles Manson would have said.

You might remember way back in 2019 when we talked about this game. Or you might not. Like, it's been a couple years and a lot has happened since then. Let me recap: a company called SimulaM was developing a Jesus simulator called I am Jesus Christ and it was--huh? Yes. Really. Wait, is your issue the somewhat blasphemous title that sounds like something Charles Manson would say, the basic premise of a video game where you play as Jesus or both? It can be both. Like, religious or no, I think we can all agree that this is probably a joke, right?

I can practically hear the overly
compressed audio warning us that: 
White Jesus needs mana badly!

But it's not, or at least will get to that. So from the earlier trailer, I am Jesus Christ looks kind of like Skyrim but instead of Dragon Shouting your way across a frozen, vaguely Vikingy fantasy realm, you're the son of God performing miracles using--and I wish I were making this up--Holy Spirit. And no, I'm not trying to be a jerk about religion, Holy Spirit is evidently a consumable resource and something Jesus can run out of. Which, I'm no theologian, but isn't he Jesus? Does he really need to recharge his mana like some kind of low level mage?

Don't look at me like that. I didn't turn the central
figure of Christianity into off-brand Doomguy.

Anyway, when we didn't hear anything new about the game for months and months, I think most of us assumed it was dead like so many other announced games that never make it to market. But lo, it is risen (what?) and there's a stand alone free game called I Am Jesus Christ: The Prologue coming out in December. I guess to whet the gaming public's appetite for first person open world Messiah-ing. The announcement comes with a new trailer showing off some improved graphics and gameplay.

Cool fact: Jesus Christ
can dual wield magic.

Some of the scenes include Jesus using The Force to remove a plank from a giant eye, curing someone's kid with a healing spell, and using his famous water into wine ability to save a wedding. From sobriety. Look, I see three possibilities here: First, SimulaM is trolling just us. Secondly, these are well-intentioned, albeit misguided religious people who think that sneaking religion into gaming will help players to see the light.

Or thirdly, this is a cynical attempt to split the difference by offering an easily lampoonable Jesus-simulator to give YouTubers something to laugh at while at the same time luring in earnest Christians eager to slip into the sandals of their lord and savior. And if that's the case, it kind of feels like a crass appropriation of the cherished beliefs of billions of people around the world. And, if we're being honest, pretty par for the course for the games industry.

Pictured: Shiva, a key deity in Hinduism, seen here in a bikini as a
Final Fantasy summon. Also, she has ice powers. For some reason.