No really, what's with the eyes?

Are uh...are we just not, as a civilization I mean, going to talk about this Happy Meal for adults thing? Specifically the figurines? Because:

"Four eyes, why do they have--what the actual...what?"

-Everyone, like actually everyone

"It's ok, I don't literally hyper-understand
what the hell I'm talking about either."

-Hassan

Happy Meals for adults are, at least according to the company, an attempt to cash in on nostalgia. Nostalgia for Happy Meals, which, I don't have, do you? Whatever. Here's a statement from the company on why they've done this thing:

"We're taking one of the most nostalgic McDonald's experiences and literally repackaging it in a new way that's hyper-relevant to our adult fans."

-Tariq Hassan, McDonald's Chief Marketing

executive in charge of befuddling statements

"Hey kids, like Go-Bots? Here's a shittier
version of one with your six-piece McNugget."

-McDonald's, circa 1988

The boxes, which are more properly and ludicrously called: Cactus Plant Flea Market boxes and--huh?--Yeah, I know, maybe they're collectively having a stroke or something? Who can say? They're somehow a marketing tie-in with a street wear clothing company--I don't know, clothes to wear on the street?--called Cactus Plant Flea Market which is some hipster nonsense I've never heard of, but then I am an out of touch shut-in. If I had then maybe I'd get the nostalgia angle. My hazy memories of Happy Meal toys were that they were based on, yet were vastly inferior version of, toys I was already into. 

Reagan, seen here signing one of the many
 bills that continue to ruin lives to this day.

And look, I don't want to tell them how to exploit nostalgia, but the appeal wasn't any toy packed in with the meal, it was a familiar toy. A toy kids actually wanted. Back in the 1980's President Reagan killed any attempts at regulating advertisements aimed at children. Because there's no sating the beast that is unfettered capitalism, fast food restaurants who owed their existences to parents too exhausted after work to cook, quickly started having weird, synergistic business sex with toy manufacturers and the Happy Meal prize was born.

What I'm saying is that this is crass consumerism at its worse, but if you're going to do it, do it right. Put Skeletor or Megatron in these things and not these bizarre, Lovecraftian nightmare versions of McDonald's corporate mascots.

Pictured: A horrifying tower comprised of Grimace, Birdie, The Hamburger
and Shoggoth, an unknowable, shapeless horror for the depths of space whose
very appearance is enough to drive one into insanity. Collect all four!