Ninja, Ninja Wrap!

Look, in no way do I want to shame grown-ups about their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fandom. I myself was obsessed as a kid. I watched the cartoon, I had the action figures and my child-mind nearly imploded when I happened upon a single photo in the back on Nintendo Power magazine revealing that a live-action movie was mere months away. 

In those primitive times there was no internet upon which to leak or tease
movie news. You just had to stumble onto things like this. But on the other
hand, toxic fandom and internet trolls hadn't been invented yet either. 

Pictured: the single port that definitely had
nothing at all to do with selling you AirPods
so you didn't have to choose between
charging and using headphones.

So please understand that when I question the existence of Pixel skins that make your Pixel look like--huh? What's a Pixel? Yeah, evidently in this context it's a cellular telephone, like an iPhone or a Galaxy except Google makes it and you'd never heard of it until just now. And no, I'm not trying to be a snob or suggest that iPhones are all that great. I'm routinely frustrated with mine and my inability to shut the screen off without taking a picture of the home screen. All I'm saying is that I don't think I've ever seen a Pixel in the wild.

And if the unfortunately named Dbrand--the company that makes these--has its way, you may never actually spot one because everyone who has a Pixel will wrap it in one these dumb, twenty-five dollar skins. 

Now everyone will know who your favorite turtle is. After you explain that it's not
just a green phone and how they'd totally get it if they saw all four colors together.

Above: Leonardo, seen here with some of
the many accessories you immediately lost.

Like, admittedly they do indeed remind me of the Ninja Turtles (again, assuming four phones are lined up). I can practically hear the cartoon's theme song and smell the PVC of the action figures. And I'm sure that's what they're going for: to once again stimulate the over-worked nostalgia glads of fans of a certain age. That is, my age. And the company is apparently in on the joke, or at least, putting a lampshade on the idea that they're brazenly exploiting the trend of selling Xennials their childhood back one piece at a time. According to the manufacturer: 

"Return of Cold-whoa...too soon..."

-some autocrat

"Monetizing nostalgia is a big business. Whether it's a Netflix rehash of 80's classics, the resurgence of flip phones or the return of the Cold War...So, here we are. It's 2022 and society has run out of new ideas choosing instead to constantly repackage old ones. We want to cash in on that action."

-Dbrand's marketing depart-wait, they know 

the war in Ukraine is still happening right?

I guess it's the appropriately named Dbrand

Huh...so the world is a shit-show as well as a cultural wasteland, but thanks to our plastic nonsense, you can briefly be reminded of a time when your only responsibilities were homework and solving Zelda II. 

"Hey, remember Ninja Turtles?"

-some firefighter, fighting a loosing battle

"I mean, just look at it..."

-Dbrand's legal defense

Incidentally, did they actually get the TMNT intellectual property rights? I'm not like the trademark police or anything, but I ask because there's no mention of Nickelodeon, the company that owns them now, and that seems like the kind of thing you lock down before you sell branded junk like this. Also, Dbrand did once get sued by Sony for trying to sell replacement shells for the Play Station 5 that made it look less--what's the word? Terrible? But they lost because they didn't bother to secure rights. 

But whatever. I'm not the copy-write police. The bigger issue here is that I'm not sure one can wryly comment on naked consumerism whilst simultaneously trying to sell us grey market phone skins on the basis of our memories of happier times.

This is the kind of thing massive diesel container ships cross oceans to
deliver to our shores, and part of the reason Europe is on fire right now.