What should I make the check out for? Zero?

So I got a letter in the mail from the college I went to--let's say, some time ago--asking for money. And you know, I get it. Education is important. And I theoretically support them and their aims. Theoretically, but not monetarily. And besides, didn't I already give them money?

Because I kind of feel like our relationship ended the day they made me wear
a mortarboard and some administrator dressed Galileo handed me a scroll.
Incidentally, is it me or is graduation weirdly medieval? 

Pictured: evidently not enough distance
between me and the Office of Development.

But I suppose what I really want to know is how did they manage to find me after--again let's say, some time ago and--oh God, twelve changes of address? Twelve! I'm three thousand miles away from the place I lived when I last got one of these. Every time I move I have to fill out dozens of online change of address forms, but I've never told my old college where to fine me and yet somehow the Office of Development manages to track me down like in The Last Jedi. You know, the only good Star Wars sequel? 

What? I didn't say it was perfect,
just better than the other two.

Huh? Yes it was. Anyway, remember how the Rebel Fleet thinks they're safe because they went to hyperspace but then it turns out they're not safe because the First Order have figured out how to track ships through hyperspace? No? Well they did, and this is like that. Except without the overly-long casino planet scene and an even muddier explanation for how it's possible. Although I suppose an even better question than how is why did they track me down after all this time and through all these moves?

What? Are we done picking on
Blockbuster? Fine. Gamestop. 

This certainly isn't the first such request I've received from them, like, they started almost immediately after graduation, but I've never responded, much less written them a check. So what makes them think now is the time? Days before Christmas, in the midst of a seemingly endless pandemic and its related economic woes? Aren't they an institution of higher education? Shouldn't they know better? And not for nothing, but I graduated with a degree in theatre. It's the Blockbuster Video of BAs. 

They even sent a pre-addressed (but not pre-stamped...hm...) envelope into which I can stuff a check, or my credit card information, or, I don't know, cash? They even helpfully suggest other ways to give including gifts os stocks or an IRA distribution. From my IRA...which I totally have for the retirement that will totally happen someday. You almost have to admire the--what's the word? Hutzpah? Unless of course they're just naively confident in the earning power of their graduates which, they probably shouldn't be. 

How thoughtful! They even indicate where to write your name and
the city. You know, in case you don't know how to address an envelope...