Wait, what comes after apotheosis?

This is no. It's just...no. $1.56 million dollars. Of money. That's how much someone paid at an auction for an unopened copy of Super Mario 64.

Above: Basically this.

A dope with a vast amounts of disposable
wealth but still, you know, a dope.

This comes days after Heritage Auctions sold off a sealed copy of The Legend of Zelda for $870,000. A game they compared to the Holy Grail before pronouncing it "the apotheosis of rarity." A status it held for like, seventy-two hours. Which, I guess whoever dropped just shy of nine hundred thousand on that game sure feels like dope. Like the copy of Zelda, this too was unopened, but I don't think it's a particularly rare version. Instead, it's mostly about the condition it's in. So in a way, whoever bought it just paid one and a half million dollars for shrink wrap.

Pictured: Cahoots.

Also like the previous auctions, this game was WATA graded. WATA is a company that's sort of become the recognized authority in assessing the value of gaming collectibles; I think because they thought of it first. And maybe I'm just a suspicious person, but WATA rates the games, tells everyone how rare and valuable they are, and then Heritage Auctions sells it for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I think--and I can't prove it yet--but I think they're in cahoots.

Unless you're into low-resolution
textures and falling off platforms.
I'm not here to kink shame.

And I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that there are people who will spend this kind of money on a video game or that Mario 64 went for so much more than the objectively superior Zelda. Wait, yes I do, it's the wealth inequality thing, but a close second is the fact that the game itself isn't that great. Yeah, you heard me. Look, I'm a huge fan of Mario games and I get that as the series' first 3-D game, it's important from a design perspective. Seminal, even. But have you tried going back to it? The graphics are terrible, the controls are worse, and the camera can't be bothered to keep Mario in frame. Ever.

Sure, this was template upon which all modern 3-D video games are based. I get it. But rare or not this game is not worth $1.56 million. I'm sorry, but it's not. And this absurd auction is the only circumstance under which the game can be said to have aged well.

Shrink-wrapped and sealed in a lucite case
is the best way to experience Super Mario 64