Ad Astra Per Amazon

Jeff Bezos, the multi-billionaire who briefly slipped the surly bonds of earth in his penis shaped rocket this morning, expressed his heartfelt appreciation to us, the little people, who made all of this possible. How? We buy junk on Amazon, that's how. 

Pictured: The spaceship Jeff Bezos built so rich people can boldly go where only
people who've dedicated their lives to science and exploration have gone before.
Not pictured: any indication that he appreciates the irony of the design.

I'm not pro-guillotine, but I mean,
how do these billionaires think this ends?

According to Bezos:

"I want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer, 'cause you guys paid for all this. So seriously, for every Amazon customer out there, and every Amazon employee, thank you from the bottom of my heart, very much. It's very appreciated."

-The tone-deaf gratitude of a man

blissfully unaware of how close

we are to pitchforks and torches 

Like opportunistic retail hermit crabs,
they just sort of move in to the empty
shells of shuttered businesses.

Yup, that was us. So I'd like to say on behalf of every independent bookseller who was driven out of business by Amazon's bullying of and then collusion with publishers, and all the brick and mortal retailers that have been replaced by Spirit Halloween stores, and every startup that Amazon went into business with only to copy their products and sell as "Amazon Basics," and of course on behalf of every Amazon delivery driver and warehouse worker who's had to shit in a plastic bag, seriously, from the bottom of all of our hearts, Jeff Bezos can go fuck himself. 

Sorry, too far? Was it the corpse thing?
It was the corpse thing, wasn't it?

Fine, maybe that's a bit harsh, but in what world is a thanks from a man who made his billions--virtually tax-free--on the backs of underpaid workers anything but a gigantic union-busting middle finger to us all? We didn't send him to space. He didn't even really go to space. He choked American retail to death and then rode its corpse into what can barely and only by the strictest of definitions be considered space. He shouldn't thank us with words, he should thank us by paying his employees living wages. And his goddamn taxes. What even is that? 

Ok, ok. Calming down. It's just that I can't understand how this guy is sitting on a stage joking about how we all sent him to space by buying useless shit off Amazon when he could, with the wave of his hand--or I suppose a check or something--feed starving people or end homelessness. Instead he's taking reservations to send other rich asshats into low orbit on the Starship U.S.S. Clearly a Dick. 

Pictured: Bezos, seen here in an idiotic hat, 
trolling the delivery drivers he makes shit in bags.