Wait, we're rooting for Megatron now?

Remember how I just said like, two days ago that I don't review things on my blog because and I quote: "who cares what I think?" Well, I stand by that. because for real, who cares what I think? That said, I watched the new Transformers cartoon and I have opinions about it that I'm going to share with you now. Just understand that this isn't me saying that you should or should not watch this thing, it's just me-a grown ass adult-having feelings about a cartoon about toys from over three decades ago.

And what's the internet if not a forum for adults to opine about
nostalgia-drenched re-imaginings of childhood cartoons?

No, really, the weeds. So if that's not
your cuppa, maybe bail out now.

Ok, where to begin? First of all, you might not know this about me, but Transformers is one of my areas of nerdery. I'm not as well-versed as say I am when it comes to Star Trek or video games, but I'm conversant. Which is why I-again, a fully grown human-spent nearly three hours of my life watching the overly be-coloned: Transformers: War for Cybertron Trilogy: Part One: Siege. And just, just brace yourself, because this is going to get into the nerd weeds and for that I want to apologize in advance...still there? Super.

Above: Micheal Bay's Transformers.
Or possibly what would happen if Monster
Energy drink was a Rorschach test. 

For those unfamiliar, and I'll assume that's most functioning adults, I offer some background. Transformers, like as-ugh, sorry, I hate this term, but as a franchise, has been re-booted like a dozen times meaning that most pieces of Transformers fiction exist in separate continuities from one another. TWFCTP1 (acronym!) is no different. It's a reboot/reimagining/prequel loosely based on, but set in a distinct narrative universe from, more well known versions like the 1984 cartoon, Generation 1 (G1) or the Micheal Bay series of movies (objective garbage).

So while the basic story elements and characterizations are the same as G1: Autobots are good, Decepticons are bad, and Starscream is a screechy-voiced sycophant who openly plots to overthrow the Deception leader Megatron, TWFCTP1 tries to tell a more darker, more nuanced, story. One about class war, loyalty, and genocide. No really.

Oh, and it's also trying to sell toys to adults who
will never take them out of their packaging.

"Pichew...pichew...take that Megatron,
 for, uh, trying to resist oppression..."

-Some kids playing with toys

Previously the conflict was based on Megatron's wanting to conquer the Transformers' home planet of Cybertron because, you know, evil, and the heroic Optimus Prime has to stop him because freedom. And that's all still there, except now we learn that the Decepticons were originally built as some kind of worker caste to serve the elite Autobots. After thousands of astro-cycles (yup) of slavery and being forced to fight to the death in gladiatorial games for the amusement of the Autobots, Megatron and the Decepticons rebel. Which, yeah, who wouldn't?

On Cybertron, controversy surrounds
the many statues celebrating the heroes
of the War of Decepticon Aggression. 

It's not the first time Transformers has gone dark. Transformers: The Movie, the animated one from 1986, aimed for a PG rating by throwing in a couple swears and gruesomely killing off most of your action figures including most famously (spoiler alert for a thirty-four year old movie) Optimus Prime. I was just a dumb kid back during the height of Transformers' popularity and don't recall the reasons for the conflict ever getting a lot of detail in G1. But with the Decepticons cast as genocidal fascists and the Autobots as allegorical stand-ins for southern white slave holders, I'm not sure who to root for here.

Of course, this series isn't really aimed at children, but instead at adults who fondly remember the 1980's cartoon and toys. But instead of capturing the tone of G1, it instead opts for something a little more-ok, a lot more, heavy and I suppose my biggest criticism would be that it takes itself too seriously for a cartoon about alien robots that turn into cars.

Pictured: That episode of Transformers where Powerglide goes
on a date with a human woman and rides a Merry-go-round.
Also, did I mention his name is Powerglide? Because it is.

See? I told you we'd
be getting into the weeds.

And not just too seriously in tone, but also in the visuals. I think in an effort to accurately portray the toyline, the character designs are hyper-accurate and everyone comes off as a little to boxy and, well, robotic. Which, I know, but it seems like they could have fudged it a little to give these things more range and emotion. For example, Optimus Prime has this face plate instead of a mouth and on the old cartoon it moved when he spoke, but it doesn't here. It's a small thing, but taking it away kind of robs the character of personality.

Including Moonracer, apparently one
of only three female Transformers on
all of Cybertron so, way to go Prime...

The personality of a robot who is also a toy, but still. And that's probably my second criticism, that some of the characterizations feel a bit off. As a reboot, it's not really setting out to re-create the original characters exactly, but some things are just weird. Like seeing Megatron fighting to free Decepticons from the oppression of the ruling elite. Or Optimums Prime being bad at his job; lurching from disastrous plan to disastrous plan and getting a couple of Autobots killed in the process. But that's just one nerd complaining that the new show isn't exactly like the old show-which again, isn't its job.

On the other hand, the people this is made for are the same people who probably tear up when they hear Stan Bush's You've got the touch. So I guess I feel like this shameless three-hour piece of fan-service only kind of hit the mark. It aimed to give fans of a certain age a deeper, more complex version of the fiction that was also closer to the incarnation they remember than say the live-action movies, but instead maybe went a little too far down the path of grim dark social allegory and forgot to be, you know, fun.

If you're not tearing up at this, you're not human.
Or you're over forty-five or under thirty five. Either way.