Muskin: Cruisepossible!

So did you see that Nicholas Cage is going to play that guy from Tiger King in a TV series? Well he is. And I bring this up not because I care about Tiger King-I've never seen it-but because somehow the new math is crazy plus crazy equals money. Take this for example.

Pictured: Actor Nicholas Cage, seen here
auditioning for every role he's ever been cast in.

Sure it is. It's about a 57 year old fighter
pilot, so he's what, a cyborg? Or a vampire?

Had you clicked, and I know you didn't, but if you had, you'd have seen that Tom Cruise is going to make a movie-wait for it-in spaaaaace! And, wait for it again-with Eeeeloon Muuuuusk! Cruise, best known for holding Katie Holmes hostage for a few year, is apparently also an actor. In fact, later this year he'll be starring in a sci-fi/fantasy follow-up that beach volleyball movie, Top Gun. And now in an equally well-though out move, he's teaming up with Elon Musk to film a movie in goddamn orbit.

Did I mention that he's famous for doing his own stunts? Cruise that is. Not because he enjoys putting stunt performers out of work, but because the spirit of L. Ron Hubbard watches over him and protects him from harm.

If you can't trust a man in a cravat to guide you
towards a clear thetan, who can you trust?

Eccentric is rich for bat-shit insanity,
which is super-in right now.

Musk, as you know, is the eccentric billionaire founder of Tesla, who, if he weren't incredibly wealthy would have been dismissed years ago as a crank. Huh? Unfair? I don't think so. Remember that time he shot a car at Mars? Or when he smashed the windows of his new electric truck to demonstrate how unbreakable they weren't? And if you or I started ranting about the dawning of a new dark age at South By South West, we'd have to do so on the sidewalk. Musk gets a concert hall that seats five hundred.

Oh, and his new thing is comparing shelter in place to fascism. Which...I mean, what is his deal anyway?

Because fascism means whatever you want it to.

Well, never seen alive again. Try not
to trip over his sun-bleached remains.

Ok, so why space? I mean, there's a lot that can be done with special effects, so why all the money and risk? Don't get me wrong, in many ways computer effects have ruined movies forever, but unconvincing CGI is way cheaper and safer than filming a movie at 1,200 miles above the earth, so why do it? The answer, I suspect, is something like why George Leigh Mallory said he was going to try and climb Everest: "Because it's there." Except, Mallory was never seen again and the trails on Everest are littered with corpses so...

"The Mission Impossible series has made
 over $455 million. What's science ever done?"

-NASA Spokesperson

And look, I'm not particularly concerned about Tom Cruise's well being. I don't wish him harm, but again, he's doing his own stunts while pushing sixty. But what about the film crew that has to go up with him? That's not part of their job. Space is dangerous. How many of Musk's SpaceX missions have resulted in fiery launchpad explosions? Why isn't NASA putting a stop to-oh...they are involved? NASA has teamed-up with SpaceX to launch Tom Cruise into space? Don't they...don't they have better things to do? Like, science?

You know, if anyone were going to shoot a movie in space it would be Tom Cruise and if anyone were to launch Tom Cruise into space to do it, it would be Elon Musk. I guess what I'm saying is that the intersection of hubris, insanity and disregard for the health and safety of others may well be the defining characteristics of twenty-first century America. Kind of makes you long for the sweet embrace of societal collapse.

"You finally really did it. You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you!
Damn you all to-wait...you know, actually this totally tracks."

-That guy at the end of Planet of the Apes