Today in why Brigitte gets the kids:

So I'm not a lawyer, but I do have a bachelor's degree in theatre which up until now has been mostly useless. But then this happened and just like that those fours years of Meisner exercises and Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way have finally paid off.

I'm kidding. These college students are making a huge mistake.

Pictured: David Ostrom looking very
much as I think we all pictured him.

If you clicked on that link, and I trust you did, since this whole blog/reader relationship is based on honesty, so when you clicked that link, it took you to a story about David Ostrom, a Kansas man who asked a judge to let him challenge his ex-wife and her lawyer to a duel in order to settle their custody dispute...which I assume is over a child, but given that this guy wants the judge to give him time to get some samurai swords from Japan, I think it's equally possible they're fighting over a jet ski or possibly a case of Monster energy drink.

Huh? Yeah, I said Japan. For whatever reason, Ostrom-who has no sword training or experience whatsoever, is insisting that he be given enough lead time to fly to Japan and pick up some authentic samurai swords. So not only is he a lunatic, he's also a snob.

"Um...you know they're not going to let you take this on the plane, right?"

-the clerk at the sword store

If your motion is also a Magic:
The Gathering card, there's a better
than 50/50 shot it'll be denied...

Ostrom, who I feel compelled to point out is from Kansas and not, as I must keep reminding myself, Florida, claims his now ex-wife Brigitte Ostrom and her lawyer have "destroyed [him]" and he now wants to confront them "on the field of battle where [he] will rend their souls from their corporeal bodies." I just-holy shit, right? Well, ok, he actually said "corporal bodies," but poor spelling feels like the least of this guy's issues. Surprisingly, Brigitte's lawyer, Mathew Hudson, used the typo as a reason to get the motion thrown out. I say surprisingly because Hudson used the typo and not say, the part about the soul rending to argue that Ostrom's suggestion was ludicrous, but as I mentioned earlier, I'm not a lawyer. Anyway, according to David Ostrom, the judge has the legal power to allow him and Bridgette to resolve their dispute in trial by combat. Like it's goddamn Game of Thrones.

"Huh, it says here that the man who represents
himself in court has a fool for a lawyer."

-Ostrom, floating majestically
somewhere over these United States

Regardless, Ostrom, who is apparently representing himself, insists that since trail by combat "hasn't been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States..." it is therefore totally legal. Which, no, of course it isn't. First, people who use the phrase these United States, are almost always crackpots. Next, what possible incentive would Bridgitte have for agreeing to a duel? And lastly, challenging his ex-wife to a whimsical hot-air balloon race around the world isn't illegal either but that doesn't make it a good way to decide who gets the kids.

Oh, the play is also super misogynistic,
but I think the argument stands.

And this brings us back to how my otherwise unmarketable skills as a theatre professional are perfectly suited to render a verdict in this case. You see, in Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, Shylock demands a pound of flesh as payment of a debt from a merchant called Antonio. Why does he want this instead of money? Because 17th century antisemitism. Anyway, they go to court and Antonio's lawyer, Portia, makes the case that taking a pound of flesh is tantamount to, you know, murder, and is therefore illegal.

So Ostrom is essentially making a death threat-or at least a soul-rending threat-against his ex and the lawyer. And that's not only explicitly banned in these United States, but it's also probably not the best strategy for winning a custody case. Ipso facto. Brigitte gets the kids.

"Mr. Ostrom, you lost the case the minute you brought soul rending 
into it. I just let you go on arguing for my own amusement."

-The judge, probably... I mean, I hope?

This is Kansas-shit, now I'm not so sure...