A special place in hell...

I mean, what kind of shitheel steals someone's elephants? A huge one. Just...just agree with me on this and then I'll explain. Because some asshole stole some guy's elephants. Ok, not actual elephants, but art pieces for Burning Man. A pair of elephant sculptures on stilts-see? So elephants on stilts because Burning Man.

I guess their stilts were going to be added later?

"It is not easy to make an elephant disappear!"

-Direct quote from the local 

CBS station anchor, because 

local news is actual garbage

Yes, it's time for that again. I'm leaving for the internet and wifi dead zone in a couple days,  I'll be sure to bore you with the details when I get back but before I go, I thought I'd share this story I read about an artist in Oakland called Jack Champion-yes, that's his actual name-whose art piece was stolen along with his truck, his trailer and all his tools as he was getting ready to head to the Burn. And it gets worse. So not only did someone take his truck and with it his art, but they did this right in front of him.

Pictured: Jack Champion, seen here
leaping onto a moving vehicle to
recover his stolen art...from Nazis.

And he tried to stop them by hanging on to the driver's side door and was dragged two blocks for his trouble. Two blocks. At one in the morning.

"As an act of desperation, I grabbed onto it. It was probably kind of foolish, because I'm kind of damaged and beat up and can't walk right now."

-Jack-did I mention his name

is Champion? Because it is.

"Hey, c'mere...you uh, wanna
buy some elephants?"

-Some guy 

Badass name or no, no one gets dragged for two blocks and walks away without a scratch and Champion is no exception. His injuries mean that he can't even go to the Burn this year because that aforementioned shitheel wanted his struck. And look, so obviously don't steal shit. But if for whatever reason, be it desperation or some kind of compulsion you do end up turning to a life of crime, steal from, I don't know, pharmaceutical company execs or Mitch McConnell or something. Don't steal from an artist who's just trying to art. Champion assumes that the elephants were probably destroyed and disposed of by the thief, but he's hoping that maybe someone, somewhere might see something or hear something. So I guess if a dude in his late 20's rolls up in an '06 Silver Ford 250 and offers to sell you a pair of elephant sculptures on stilts, maybe call the cops?

Or better yet, if you feel that you're not in any immediate danger, trip him or something and then remind him that there's a special place in hell for people who steal from artists. Anyway, see you when I get back.

Specifically the part of hell where the creepy blue bird thing
lights your ass on fire, eats you and then poops you out
of its ovipositor into hole that leads to like, double hell.