Today in the nichest of markets:

Before you make some crack about gamers
being sweaty and gross, remember, sports
involve way more sweating and running.

If you're anything like me, you've probably often found yourself playing video games and wished-huh? Ok, fine, you're probably an adult with adult things to do involving friends and the outdoors, so let's say hypothetically, you've found yourself wishing you could expand your gaming experience to include your olfactory sense. Well now you can smell your games too thanks to this new-yeah, I know, of course I don't wish that playing video games also came with a scent component, I'm just being you know, sarcastic. Anyway, this dumb thing exists now.

And because you and clicking on links don't usually go together, here, look at this: it's a Sonic the Hedgehog scented candle for sale on the U.K.'s Sega store.

I'd be interested to see the Venn diagram that convinced someone
at Sega that there's sufficient overlap between gamers and people
who like scented candles to warrant making this product. 

Pictured: Green Hill Zone, so this.
The candle smells like this. 

For those who spent their youths learning marketable skills like business or I don't know, sports medicine, I'll explain what we're looking at here. It's a scented candle in a holder shaped like the power-up boxes (which themselves were shaped like computer monitors because the 90's) from the Sonic the Hedgehog games. You can even rotate the candle to display a different power-up depending on your mood or level of boredom, although the scent remains constant: Green Hill Zone. That's level one from the game.

The next obvious question is how can you get your hands on one of these-well, I suppose the next obvious question would be why would anyone money for one of these things, but the question after that is how can you get one? The answer is, unfortunately, you can't. They're a U.K. exclusive and the site is geo-blocked so it can see how British you're not no matter how good your fake accent is.

"Gor blimey! I sure would fancy one of those cracking Sonic candles...eh...gov'ner?"

-Some bloke what wants a candle

"I'm trending!"

-Marie Kondo

If it seems like I'm making fun of this candle because it's a ridiculous tchotchke destined to be bought as a gift for someone you don't know all that well who themselves will just chuck it out the minute Marie Kondo knocks on their door, I am. I mean, I kind of hate merch. I even hate the word merch. But it's also because I'm a little suspicious of Sonic the Hedgehog's enduring appeal. Despite there not having been a decent Sonic game since 1992, Sonic is still a recognizable character that shows up on t-shirts, cartoons and for some reason, a live action movie with Jim Carrey. Sega's been trotting out their shallow, committee-designed corporate mascot for three decades of increasingly shitty games yet we never got Phantasy Star 5 or Golden Axe 4.

I don't know, maybe somewhere deep inside I'm just harboring jealousy about how the U.K. not only gets Green Hill Zone candles but also because they can remove leaders from office with a vote of no confidence. Like, a show of hands. Could you imagine? Anyway, I guess I'll just have to console myself with the fact that the U.S. Sega store has an exclusive soap shaped like a Sonic cartridge. 

That's right you crumpet-loving Brexiteers, you may be able to smell Sonic,
but we get to lather ourselves in his very essence-Sold out! Goddamnit Sega!