Finland does a lot of things better than us...

You wouldn't think this would qualify
someone to be President, but here we are.

You know, sometimes I think we're too hard on the President. It can't be easy to be an expert on everything, and yet here he is offering us the benefit of his hard-won wisdom. Wisdom earned through a lifetime of ripping off contractors, exploiting tax loopholes and hosting a gameshow about shaming people for having dreams, and all we can do is mock him. Shame on us. What am I talking about? Why the finger waggling? Why this, of course. Didn't click? That's fine. I know that you know that I'm just going to explain anyway.

The President, taking time off from his busy schedule of golf and stalking the halls of the White House raving about hoax-y the Mueller Investigation is, came out to tour the devastation caused by the wildfires in Northern California and to tell state officials that they're doing it wrong. It turns out we didn't rake enough. Yup, he stood among the smoking ruins of thousands of people's lives and livelihoods and talked about rakes.

Pictured: President Trump flanked by Governor-elect Newsom, and Governor
Brown from whose state Trump so recently threatened to withhold disaster funds,
offering advice on how to better manage California's forest with the power of raking.

Finland Fun Fact: The Finnish
national anthem is Yub Nub.

"You gotta take care of the floors. You know, the floors of the forest, very important. You look at other countries where they do it differently and it's a whole different story. I was with the President of Finland and he said we have a forest nation, he called it a forest nation and they spend a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things and they don't have any problem. And when they do, it's a very small problem."

-President Trump, while Governor 

Brown rolled his eyes extravagantly

Above: Finnish students, note the lack
of crushing debt and hopelessness.

Wow, so much to unpack here. First of all, what a dumb idiot. I know that's not the most productive thing to say, but it's true. He's just putting words together. Secondly, how come he ran on a platform of taking away healthcare from Americans but suddenly he's a big fan of how other countries do things differently? Finland has universal healthcare and free education and so doesn't refuse treatment to patients, or force students to spend their entire working lives paying off student debts. But cool, let's talk about their advanced raking initiatives.

So yeah, President Trump talked to Finnish President Sauli Niinistö about forest monitoring (although Niinistö doesn't recall saying anything about rakes) and now he's a goddamn expert. From that one conversation. That didn't touch on raking. Super. Also, is Sauli Niinistö an expert on forestry? Nevermind...doesn't matter.

Pictured: President Trump absorbing President Niinisto's
forestry knowledge while the Finnish President contemplates
the nearest restroom where he can wash his hand. 

"We just hate jobs so much. Oh and
traditional values. They're the worst!"

-Nancy Pelosi, I guess

But raking aside, are there any other factors that might play into the state's marked increase in forest fires? Say...oh I don't know, climate change? When asked about whether or not holding a press conference in the still-burning proof of the reality of anthropogenic climate change changed his views about whether or not it's just come big hoax by Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats using some kind of weather control machine to take jobs away from hard working Pennsylvania coal miners-ok, I may be paraphrasing here, but he replied with:

He knows he's the one who  pulled us out
of the Paris Climate Agreement, right?

"No, no, I have a strong opinion. I want a great climate. We're going to have that, and we are going to have that are a very safe because we can't go through this. Every year we go through this. We're going to have safe forests and that's happening as we speak."

-President Trump, to the 

blank and confused 

stares of all assembled

So strong opinions are nice and all, but do you know what's also nice to have? Knowledge of the subject you're lecturing people on. Also, the ability to string sentences together into coherent thoughts would be appreciated. I don't think we're asking too much here.

"I...seriosuly? Still not convinced? But...but you're literally standing
in and breathing in the consequences of America's inaction on climate
cha-wait, would it help if I told you three KFC's burned down today?"

-Gavin Newsom, wasting his time