Not with a bang, but with a weiner...

Zoos, circuses, Marcel on Friends, let's
face it, we've kind of had it coming.

So obviously, someday, somehow, civilization is going to come to an end. Not like a Roman Empire kind of thing where everything falls apart and we all just slog through 800 years of feudalism and leech-based medical care, but like an extinction of the human race on earth. It's inevitable. Nothing lasts forever, not even us. But out of all the possible doomsday scenarios: climate change, pandemics, ape-rising, do you know how I really don't want to see the world end? Go on, guess...I'll give you a hint: it involves the President.

If you said 'global nuclear conflict resulting from an insecure gameshow host provoking an ICBM-armed autocratic man-baby over whose dick is bigger,' congratulations:

Depleted and food starved? Sick burn!

If the military has any sense, they'll have
swapped the real nuclear football out for
an old alarm clock or something.

Yes, that's an actual tweet sent out by the actual President. Well, at least the guy who technically won the electoral college. Anyway, I have some problems with this tweet. For one, I don't think Kim Jong Un was being literal when he recently and war-mongeringly (a word, I assure you) referred to the nuclear button on his desk. It's probably in a bunker or something. Second, Donald Trump doesn't have a nuclear button either. It's a suitcase handcuffed to a Marine and while a button or buttons are probably involved, I doubt that the size of the button is in any way relevant. 

Now I'm sure White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would call us all filthy, filthy perverts for even thinking this, but this is clearly about penises. Granted, thanks to America's eye-wateringly massive military budget, our nuclear arsenal outstrips North Korea's by like a million to one, but can you look at that tweet and the man who wrote it and honestly argue that he's not bragging about his own dick? No? Thought not.

"How dare you impugn our President by suggesting that this tweet was some kind of
juvenile joke. It was a simple, reckless provocation. Nothing more. You people disgust me."

-Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

spin-wizard

Guys? I'm looking at you...

I know that technically being a dangerous chest thumping buffoon isn't in itself an impeachable offense, and neither is using a dick joke to dare a hostile country's leader to launch his missiles. Although it probably should be. I can accept that, but isn't there someone, anyone that can step in and talk him down? Maybe someone from his staff or from the party who insanely let him run on their ticket? Or at the very least take away his goddamn twitter account before he brings us any closer to the total extinction of the human race?