Today in things totally innocent people do...

Say, it must be nice to be able to just fire the guy investigating you for collusion with a foreign power, right? Nice and, you know, what's the phrase? Shady as all fuck? Well, let's say ethically compromised.

Sort of like how the Titanic became structurally compromised
before dragging hundreds to a cold, watery grave.

Pictured: James Comey, like us,
struggles with the nausea his
terrible decisions have caused.

Anyway, that's what our glorious leader did Tuesday when he fired FBI Director James Comey for his mismanagement and incompetence in handling the investigation into Hillary Clinton's email thing that wasn't really a thing. Mishandling and incompetence that even Comey admits may have helped sway the election:

"It's makes me mildly nauseous to think we might have had some impact on the election."

-James Comey, former FBI Dir-

wait, that does he mean mildly?

Like the new EPA science advisor
Waitstill Winthrop,* seen here lighting
a woman on fire for witchcraft.

He went on to say that he doesn't believe that he would have made a different decision had he known, but I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on that. Or at least suggest that maybe he's changed his mind now that the guy he might have helped put in office just canned his ass. Anyway, the White House says that the search is on for a replacement, whom I sure will be an impartial and effective administrator. You know, like everyone the Trump administration has put into high level positions. Does Jared Kushner have like a brother or a cousin or something?

Basically the President.

But while we're waiting for the administration to replace Comey with someone less interested into looking into how Russian intelligence duped a coalition of white men too racist to realize their only beef with Obama was that he's black and women who hated Clinton enough to vote for a sexual assault enthusiast, let's talk about something almost as disturbing. Trump fired Comey in a letter. Yes, a letter, on paper. Like he's suddenly goddamned Shakespeare or something.

Above: The President trying to figure out
 how to select the poop emoji with his pen.

I mention it because he's kind of famous for being an off the cuff, from the hip Twitter-er with nothing but contempt for the laws of grammar. Like, in the three months and change that we've been living in this preposterous alternate universe where a reality show host chosen by former member of the KGB is running the country, have you ever known the man to tweet anything other than inarticulate gibberish, hashtags and petulant all caps rage?

"Hey, the President's got a point, and
why would he lie? He's the President!"

Even today while Sally Yates was testifying before congress he was tweeting about how they should investigate her and James Clapper, because that's the real story. Not the President maybe working with Russian intelligence to screw with the election.

"The Russia-Trump collusion story is a total hoax, when will this taxpayer funded charge end?"

-The President cleverly

 throwing us off the trail

You know what's great about this tweet? Not only does he refer to himself in the third person, but he also suggests that we stop looking into this whole 'Russian collusion thing' because it's too expensive. I mean, how stupid does he think we are?

Oh, right, fair point...

Pictured: Trump's letter to Director Comey.
Not pictured: even a hint of irony.

The answer of course, is extremely. But the best part of the slide down this slippery, Nixon-y slope has got to be this excerpt from Trump's Dear James letter. Here, just...just read this:

"It is essential that we find new leadership for the FBI that restores public trust and confidence in its vital law enforcement mission."

-President Trump on the importance

of restoring confiden-wait, really?

Yes, really. Right before wishing him luck in his future endeavors, Trump told James Comey-the head of the agency investigating him for colluding with Russia-that we need new leadership to restore trust and confidence in the FBI. Holy shit.

Nothing like a purge of your political enemies to help restore
the American people's trust and confidence in your innocence. 

*Ok, I'm making that up, but seriously.