Today in body shame...

"This is great. Really, pants just get in
the way of the dining experience."

-Some naked guy 

Is this...is this even real? I mean, I know it's originally from Agence France so it should be legit because Europe, but sometimes things like this are misreported or straight-up bullshit and this has sort of a click-bait-y kind of vibe that-huh? Oh, right, I didn't tell you what I'm talking about. So a naked restaurant opening in Tokyo is banning-huh? No, not that naked restaurant, we'll get to that one in a minute, this is a completely different naked restaurant and it's in Tokyo and overweight people are banned. Yup, I know, right?

"Hi, I'm Todd, and I'll be judging you tonight.
Can I start you off with a complex?"

Wait, which part of this bothers you? The fact that naked restaurants exist, the fact that there are two of them (actually three, but we'll get there) or the news that the one in Japan, called The Amrita, is restricted to people between the ages of 18 and 60 and no more than 33 pounds over the average weight for their height? Yes, they have a no oldsters and no fatties policy. It's right there on the website...at least I think. It's in Japanese, but why would Agence France lie? Oh, and if you think you can suck in the gut, don't bother. They'll weight you. Right there in the restaurant.

Only hipsters could find a way to be
pretentious and naked at the same time.

Ok, so why are there naked restaurants in the first place? Well, I'd imagine that they've been around for awhile. Like clothing optional resorts probably don't have a no shirt, no shoes, no service sign, but nude restaurants in major urban centers seem to be new. But why? You persist in asking. I don't know, because it's a gimmick that's why. Bunyadi's deal (that's the one in London) is that everything is natural. There's no electricity, it's all candle lit, electronic devices are banned and the food is all raw and vegan. So it's a theme. A super pretentious theme with a 44,000 person waiting list, but still a theme.

"Are you for goddamn kidding me?" 

-Bacchus, by 

Pieter Paul Rubens

Then what's up with The Amrita? A spokesperson for the restaurant had this horrible thing to say:

"If fat people are allowed in it could be miserable for some guests...We are aiming for a sort of Roman aesthetic, like the beautiful paintings you see in museums."

-Miki Komatsu, spokeswoman for 

The Amrita Restaurant explaining that

fat people bum out the other patrons

Ah. So their theme is body shaming. First of all, fuck you The Amrita. Secondly, has Miki Komatsu ever been to a museum? People back in the Renaissance loved butter. Loved it, so I don't know what she's talking about.

Look, I don't want to tell The Amrita how to run their gimmicky, pantless dining experience, but I'm going to anyway. First of all, naked restaurants are, objectively speaking, ridiculous. No matter how good your food is, people are going to go there because they want to see hootenannies and wing-wangs right there at the table while they eat. It's novel.

Above: an ad for The Men of Amrita men's show on the
restaurant's website. Also I guess they serve food or something.

Pictured: The bartender getting way
too much milage out of saying
'hey, can I mix you a cocktail?'

Secondly, telling people they can't eat naked at your restaurant because they're too hideous is just a dick move (shut up). Here, check out The Noble Experiment in Melbourne. No, I'm not being dramatic, that's just the name of the restaurant. Anyway, that place is normally be-clothed, but it recently held a nude dining event hosted by local radio personalities. According to the Daily Mail article, 'Jo and Lehmo's Nude Food' was inspired by Bunyadi's offering of vegan food and awkward eye contact, but was about fun and body acceptance and that's super.

I guess the point is if people want to dine naked, that's cool, but it's not something you should take super seriously and you sure as hell shouldn't get all judgy about your guests' bodies. Besides, no one can possibly look good eating naked. Seriously. Imagine the fittest, most attractive person you can think of. Now imagine them naked and eating lobster.

Oh, and yes, they're wearing the bib. You're welcome.