Today in terrifying theological implications...

"Yea verily, the meek shall inherit
the Earth, but nobody likes a quitter."

-Jesus 

Hey look, former Texas Governor Rick Perry just dropped out of the 2016 Presidential race. For Jesus. No, really. Here, check it out:

"When I gave my life to Christ, I said: 'your ways are greater than my ways. Your will is superior to mine.' Today I submit to you his will remains a mystery, but some things have come, and become very clear to me, this is why today, I am suspending my campaign for the presidency of the United States."

-Rich Perry quitting

because he's a quitter

Perry quit while speaking to the Eagle Forum, a conservative interest group who seem remarkably unmoved by Perry's decision. In fact, click on the link and watch him pause awkwardly and scan the room after saying he's suspending his campaign.

"You heard me. I'm dropping out...hello? Is this thing on?
I just said I quit...nothing? Not even a surprised gasp?"

-Rick Perry, also-ran

It's an award for cranking out
kids and obeying the menfolk.
Congratulations? I guess?  

Anyway, you're probably wondering what any of this has to do with Jesus. Well, it's in the GOP bylaws to make everything about Jesus, so that's part of it. Also, he was speaking to a conservative political religious group who just awarded Carol Paul, (Ron Paul's wife) their prestigious Homemaker of the Year Award, so I suppose he's got to know his audience. But it does kind of sound like he's saying that Jesus told him to drop out. If he's right and there is divine intervention at work here, the implications are terrifying...

"Steve, I'd like you to meet Jesus Christ,
the Trump campaign's new media advisor." 

Perry was coming in 13th in a contest of 15 potential nominees, so it doesn't exactly take the Son of God to read the polls and decide that maybe now's a good time to call it quits. But he was 13th in a field in which Donald Trump is the front runner with 24% support among Republicans which would suggest that at least in Rick Perrys mind, Jesus Christ Himself is taking a personal interest in the 2016 GOP field; telling candidates when to drop out and which markets to focus their ad buys in, I mean, how else do you explain a quarter of all Republicans saying they'd like to see the host of The Apprentice in office?

Look, I'm not really a believer or a non-beliver. In all honesty I have no idea if there's an afterlife or an all-powerful deity running everything but I do know that I'm definitely not prepared to accept a cosmology that has the gods themselves sticking their great cosmic noses into the 2016 Presidential campaign and ushering Donald goddamn Trump into the most powerful office in the world. The universe can simply not be that cruel.

Behold: The leathery, ridiculously coiffured instrument of divine will.