Aww, it's never actual cyborgs...

Hey, this is terrible news, Anthem, the second largest health insurance company has been the victim of a cyberattack which has compromised the data of-huh? What's that? No, I had the same thought, but it just means that someone gained access to their records, there were no actual cyborgs involved. Yes, I was disappointed as well.

So could we just call it data theft or something? 'Cyber attack' is just misleading.

Although if left untreated...

Anyway, the breach has potentially exposed 80 million people to medical identity theft, which is apparently a whole new thing that until today I didn't know I should worry about. But you're probably wonder what's the big deal? Ok, so somebody finds out about your horrible and embarrassing rash or that time you had crabs, who cares? Well, it turns out it's a huge deal. The theft I mean, nobody cares about your crabs. This thing could potentially kill you, and again I'm referring to the theft, not the crabs. C'mon, stay with me.

Goddamnit, I said don't do that.

Say I stole your medical identification, like hypothetically. I don't mean call up the FBI and say that I hacked Anthem, just imagine that I'm the kind of computer-douche that would steal your information. Anyway, say I did that and now, as far as the hospital knows I'm you and have your insurance and medical history so any care I receive is chalked up to you and your account. As far as the hospital's hive mind knows, I'm you, and you can't possibly need insulin you big faker.

And good luck straightening that out. Sure, our privatized, free-market healthcare system might be fueling innovation and be the envy of the world or whatever horseshit the GOP keeps harping on while they pretend to repeal Obamacare for the 56th time, but you'd have better luck reasoning with Comcast. Honest to god, Comcast.

"I'm sorry but according to our records you still owe Anthem
$35,000 for your prostate surgery. Hmmm? Yes, Miss Zweig,
I know you don't have a prostate, they removed it in June." 

-Judy from Anthem

and an excellent reason 

to move to Canada