Finally, a use for tweens!

Have you ever looked at young people with their skinny jeans, and their Hunger Games and those stupid hats that look like animals and thought to yourself, "Gee, I wish I could just pop a keg tap in their carotid and drink their blood in order to restore my lost youth..."? Well according to science, that might not be so crazy of an idea.

Above: A legitimate avenue of scientific research.

Pictured: Two of the mice from the
experiment. One is a genius, while the
other, less fortunate mouse is insane.

Researchers at Stanford University have discovered that by giving an old mouse a blood transfusion from a young mouse they can improve the old mouse's mental faculties and even rejuvenate its muscles. How does that work? I'll let this guy explain:

"You just give an old mouse young blood and see if the animal is smarter than before."

-Tony Wyss-Coray, Professor of Neurology

explaining science

"For my next experiment I shall sew three
mice together and create a super-mouse."

-Tony Wyss-Coray

Yup, it's as easy as that. So I think the obvious question here is what the shit is wrong with neurologists at Stanford? Like, were they just sitting around one day when one of them decided to start doing blood transfusions on elderly mice? In a similar, yet somehow creepier experiment, they even connected the circulatory systems of two mice (one old, one young) and found that the old mouse showed neurological improvements while the young mouse saw signs of premature aging. Intriguing, yes, but what the fuck made someone decide to splice the mice's circulatory systems together in the first place?

Anyway, this discovery could have a profound impact upon our understanding of the aging process in humans and might even lead to new Alzheimer's treatments which would be totally awesome and offer hope to millions, but seriously, when did Stanford turn into such a nightmare factory? 

Just imagine how much more expensive things will be 20, even 50 years from now.
The opportunities to complain about it will be endless.

Sure, it could just be a lucky guess, but all
I'm saying is Hoverboards: dare to dream.

Oh and by the by, do you remember that part in Back to the Future Part 2 where Doc Brown pulls off his age make up and explains to Marty that he'd been to a rejuvenation clinic in the future? He said that, among other things, he'd had his blood replaced making him appear younger and adding decades to his life. Yup, a blood transfusion. Remember that? That scene was set in 2015, less than a year from now. Robert Zemeckis is a goddamn sorcerer.