But for real, what is up with Judge Judy?

Apparently sexual assault isn't nearly
as hilarious as cartoons make it out to be.

Sweet mother of Christmas, can you believe what this judge said? No? You don't know what the hell I'm talking about? Well, back in July an off-duty police officer named Robb Gary (of course he's got a middle name) Evans was convicted of sexual assault for groping a woman in a bar. For whatever reason he thought it would be totally cool if he walked up to the un-named victim (no, of course she has a name, it's just not being released) and stuck his hand up her skirt. Turns out there's a law against that. Who knew? Oh, right, everybody fucking knew.

What is it with her and pee?

Anyway, believe it or not, that's actually not the worst part. The worst part was when Judge Jacqueline Hatch decided to dispense some wisdom from the bench, sort of like Judge Judy if Judge Judy was a horrible person and less fixated on people peeing on her. Anyway, here's a gem Flagstaff, Arizona residents will be hearing a lot when Judge Hatch is up for re-election in 2014:

"If you wouldn't have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you."

-Jacqueline Hatch, Cococino County Judge

and horrible person

Pscht, probably be alive today if his head
hadn't gotten in the way of that bullet.

On the one hand I appreciate Judge Hatch's grasp of temporal causality. If the victim hadn't gone to the bar, then she wouldn't have been assaulted in said bar. I mean, she has a point. Among the infinite variations of the multi-verse there is almost certainly an alternate reality where she wasn't groped, the Star Wars prequels didn't suck and Biff Tannen runs Hill Valley. Great. On the other hand, since the victim doesn't have access to a goddamn time machine, Judge Hatch's observation is not so much common sense wisdom as it is condescending hindsight.

"Let me get this straight, you're me from the year 2015, and they still
haven't found a cure for unconvincing age makeup?"

Hey, sex-offender! Yeah, I'm talking to you.

On a side note, the sexual assailant, Robb Gary Evans, could have been sentenced to two years in prison, but instead got two years probation, treatment and community service. Ok, fine, but he also doesn't have to register as a sex offender despite the fact that he sex offended. What's up with that? I'm usually a live and let live kind of guy, but isn't this why there's a sex offender database? Can we all agree, like as a planet, that Robb Gary Evans is a sex-offender?