The Wrath of Kang

"All but one of these lead to everlasting
damnation, try to guess which!"

-God

Hey, did you know that we're not the only country that has to put up with judgmental, self-righteous, anti-gay douchebags who are convinced that anyone who disagrees with their narrow worldview will spend eternity in a lake of fire? Check out the Korean Association of Church Communication who have promised "concerted action to stop young people from being infected with homosexuality and pornography." We already knew that gayness was contagious-that's just common sense. But holy shit, did you know you could also catch porn?

"Faas-Ru-Maar!" -the Dragon Shout
for disrupting pop concerts,
weddings and bar-mitzvahs. 

Fortunately for the people of South Korea, Kang Ju-Hyun, head of the Alliance for Sound Culture in Sexuality (which is surprisingly not the name of an awesome band) knows it. He's leading his organization and others like it in a coordinated effort to stop Lady Gaga's world tour from coming to Seoul. Their weapon: praying really hard, like in a big group in hopes that God will intervene and give Gaga a migraine. After all, God's basically just a hatchet man for parent's groups who feel threatened by a woman riding in a plastic egg.

What's their beef with Lady Gaga anyway? Well, she's a friend of the gays and Jesus totally hates gay people. It says so in the Bible...doesn't it? Maybe towards the back? No? Well, in fairness, the Bible's hard enough to understand in English, have you ever tried to read Korean? Here, give it a try:

See? It's from space. For all we know this is Jesus's recipe for kimchi.

Sorry kid, God already saved you from
Lady Gaga. You're on your own here.

Look, South Korea lives under the constant threat of Zerg-attack, mutated fish-dog monsters and the possibility that one morning North Korean man-baby Kim Jong-Un might put on his cranky pants and nuke the shit out of them. You'd think Korean Christians (or Korestians) would have more useful things to get together and pray about. I'm not, as I've made clear in the past, a theologian, but what if God really does answer prayers but you only get like one or something. Is this really the solid you want God to do for you?