(sigh) Sega Kids...

Research is for libruls!

A while back I needed help with Mass Effect. It's a video game. If you followed the news a couple years ago you might remember the amazing non-contraversy Fox News tried to make out of the graphic sexual content that didn't actually exist in the game. Observe this video clip. It's hilarious and full of crap they just made up. Also, I'd like to dole out some achievement points for whomever came up with the phrase 'full digital nudity and sex.'

Little help?

Any who, between scenes of digital nudity, alien sex, and murder simulation, I got lost. I don't know, I must have zoned out during an important in-game conversation and didn't know what to do or where to go next. The game sort of drops your spaceship in the middle of the Galaxy and says: now, go do some stuff and then save the Universe-in whatever order you feel like. I appreciate non-linear gameplay, but sometimes a big arrow with 'go here, do this' written above it is nice.


Schmenyway, thanks to a quick search on the intertubes for a walkthrough (or walkthru as lazy jerks spell it, seriously, it's like three more letters) I managed to get back on track. But at what cost? Isn't a walkthrough kind of a cheat? We don't even think about it anymore: Stuck? Go online. Problem solved. It wasn't always this easy.

Me, age 10 after running
out of continues .

Back in my day, if you got stuck in a game, you were screwed. There was no internet, no easy answers. You had no choice but to turn off the NES and go outside and play with a hoop and stick.

Shinobi: Ninja Gaiden
for losers.

Go on, step on his head.
He's practically
begging for it.

Your best bet would be to ask around at school, surely one of your friends had beaten the game. And God help you if you were a Sega kid. "Alex Kidd in a what now? No, I don't know what that is. Get away from me." Video games taught us many things: hand/eye coordination, bad posture, turtle-abuse, but most of all they taught self-reliance...and that plastic controllers weren't indestructible.  




Back then it was just you, your wits and Brandon from down the street against the sadistic douche bags at Capcom and Konami (Ultra Games? Yeah, I'm on to you). There was no IGN or Google search, just last month's Gamepro. So I'll tell you what I tell myself: Don't get too down on yourself. You've earned the occasional walkthrough (unless you're under age 25, in which case: play through Mega Man 2, then come talk to me).

Holy shit Konami, for real?

above: What happens when you put
a thousand monkeys at
a thousand CAD stations.

Fun Fact: Did you know that designers of the Sega Master System put the 'pause' button on the console? So to pause you had to (whilst in the middle of a game mind you) get up and walk across the room and press the button. Why did they do this you might ask? Because they were idiots. If I wanted exercise I'd be kneeling on the floor and pounding the buttons on a Powerpad with my fists, thank you very much. To learn more about the Sega Master System, visit your local library...just kidding. Here's the Wikipedia Link.