To my great shame...

Just put it on a console. Literally any console, I don't care. It belongs on a console. Seriously, just...just take my money SquareEnix. Take it!

Ok, obviously I didn't mean any console.

"Dignity and an empty sack
is worth the sack."

-Rule of Acquisition # 109

What am I talking about? You ask. Well, ok, fine, I'm a huge dumb gullible idiot. How's that? You say. Oh, you didn't say that? You just accepted my statement at face value? I see. Well, I'll explain anyway. To my great shame I just gave SquareEnix money for a mobile game. Specifically Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster, despite the fact that I've repeatedly complained about this publisher re-releasing classic 16-bit RPG's as mediocre mobile ports. Well, twelve bucks and my dignity later I've done it again and it actually isn't that bad. In fact, it's good enough to make it infuriating that it's only on mobile.*

I'm critical, but not a critic. Critics have a
skill, I just complain. It's a distinction I
 think more people should embrace. 

And to be clear, I'm not a critic. I don't know what I'm talking about and the last thing I want is to influence you in any way about anything. This isn't me saying go participate in consumerism, this is me voicing my opinions about SquareEnix's policy of re-issuing games with some completely unnecessary flaw, some caveat, or some monkey's paw nonsense that's evidently just there to annoy the fans. Because like I said, this version is pretty dang good, and I'm a hard-to-please, traditionalist, curmudgeon when it comes to early 90's SNES JRPGs. But there's always something, right?

Wha-why would...who
thought this was ok? Who?

There sure is. But the good news first: the graphical style in this version isn't the weird, cheap looking mobile game art style of the previous re-releases. While not the 8-bit of the original 1990 release, the graphics here are in the gorgeous 16-bit era pixel art style. As it was meant to be. The aspect ratio is landscape and not the baffling portrait mode of the Dragon Quest ports. And the new, arranged sound track, uh, slaps? Are the kids still saying slaps? Because it does. The game itself has the quality of life improvements we've come to expect--which, I guess is really just the option to save without having to hike back to an inn. Really we Final Fantasy fans are pretty easy to please. So what's the problem? Because you know there's going to be a problem. The problem is that it's a damned mobile game and all that entails.

Because the controls. Oh, the controls. Instead of an onscreen d-pad (an idea that's never worked) there's a picture of the player character that takes up like 20% of the screen and you sort of roll around it to guide the party. 

I've circled it in orange here, but you're not going to miss it.
Unless of course it's under your thumb, which you know,
it is, so why is it even there in the first place? I ask you...

The NGage was an unmitigated shitshow
with its vertical screen, side talking and
cartridges you had to remove the battery to
swap. But at least it had physical controls. 

And ok, that's mobile games for you. But for reasons passing understanding, the game doesn't support physical controllers. Which, I think it's pretty standard now. Like, there's an entire industry of third party manufacturers making controllers and mounts specifically for mobile gaming. Making the omission even more glaring is the fact that they've increased the movement from four directions to eight, which combined with the vagaries of touch controls means you'll spend much of your time trying to keep your character from veering off in some weird direction or trying to line them up so they can talk to NPC's. 

Never was there a tale of more woe, than a
grown ass man whinging on about video games.

The tragedy here, if that's the word (it isn't), is that the flaws of this re-issue (and, I presume, the other five games that are part of it) that keep it from being great would all be solved by either implementing controller support or, and they should have done this in the first place, putting them on a real game console. I mean, the target audience here is olds like me who find games made after 1999 off-putting and often a source of motion sickness.

And look, I get that there are obviously bigger concerns. I mean, climate change, idiots refusing to get vaccinated, billionaires wasting millions of dollars on dick rockets. But this, this is something we can actually fix. 

Pictured: the only correct way to play a video game.

(source: objective fact)

*Ok, mobile and Steam, but only on PC so if you have Mac, it might as well be mobile only. 

Have we really tried everything?

Look, I don't want to tell the CDC how to CDC, but have they tried telling Republicans not to wear masks? I know, I know, sounds crazy, but House Minority Leader and noted moron (what? She's not wrong), Kevin McCarthy held a press conference in front of the Capitol yesterday to complain about how everything wrong with everything is Joe Biden's fault and if he wants us to wear masks then damnit, we're not doing it and I just can't help but wonder if maybe a little reverse psychology wouldn't work, you know? 

"Waaaaaaaaaaah, I don't like wearing a mask, waaaaaah."

-House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy

"The enemy of our enemy is our friend.
And also it's a virus, so hurray for the virus!"

-The Republican Party

Look, we're in the middle of a resurgent pandemic which would go away if these idiots in the GOP would stop telling the rank and file idiots who vote for them to mask up and get the shot. But they won't because in their Trump-addled minds every new COVID case makes the President look bad. At the CPAC, these people applauded the fact that the country didn't make Biden's goal of 70% vaccinated by the Fourth of July. They applauded the pandemic. Holy shit, the party of Lincoln, everybody.

Just so I'm clear on this, the Right is pro-law
enforcement, but only when they're murdering
Black people? When they defend the Capitol
against white insurgents, then they're wusses?

The administration and the medical community has tried begging, they've tried pleading, they've appealed to their sense of decency and reason and nothing works. The Right is so consumed with blind rage over the fact that their shitty, narcissistic, man-baby lost the election that they'd rather see people die a slow death by asphyxiation rather than admit that we all have a common cause in getting past this pandemic. I mean, I know these are the same people who seven months ago were keeping their fingers crossed that an angry mob would successfully take over the government, but goddamn. Goddamn. 

So what I'm saying is that if we want these nutters to shut up and get their damn shot so we can all go back to our regular lives of breathing on each other and movie attendance, all we need is Nancy Pelosi to hold her own press conference and tell everyone not to get vaccinated. Then she could wink or something, so we all know what she was doing. People would turn out in droves. The line to get vaccinated would be longer than a polling place in a Democratically leaning district in Georgia. 

"You know what I really hate? The vaccine. Definitely don't get vaccinated <wink>.
And masks? Don't get me started <wink> <wink>. Oh, and while we're at it whatever
you do, don't lick the floor in a gas station restroom. That would really ruin my day."

-Pelosi, using reverse psychology

and having some fun with the dumbs

They know she's got it in writing, right?

Brooks Barnes has long resisted editorial
pressure to portay Spider-Man as a menace,
and I say good for him. It shows integrity.

Wai-wai-wai-wait, is Disney using the pandemic to screw Scarlet Johansson out of her Black Widow money? Because it kind of sounds like Disney is using the pandemic to screw Scarlet Johansson out of her Black Widow money. According to Stan Lee-worthily named New York Times reporter Brooks Barnes, Johansson filed suit today saying that Disney promised her that Black Widow would be limited to theaters only for the first three or four months before moving to Disney's streaming service, but then went ahead and released it on Disney Plus anyway. So what's the problem? You might reasonably ask. 

Doesn't mean they'll ever leave
a dime of it on the table though.

More sales is more sales, right? Sure, but the problem is that Johansson's contract gave her a bonus based on ticket sales, not Disney+ subscriptions, so by releasing the film on it simultaneously, the company increases its profits at the expense of Johansson's pay. The lawsuit puts the amount of loss to her personally at fifty million, with an "m" sure, but still, million dollars, which to you or I is a staggering, eye-watering sum, but to famous people and faceless corporations it's, well, it's still a lot, just not as much.

But the reason why so many biscuits are burnt--figuratively--is that a Disney spokesperson responded with this nonsense:

Pictured: Scarlett Johansson laughing.
Probably about the pandemic.

'There is no merit whatsoever to this filing. The lawsuit is especially sad and distressing in its callous disregard for the horrific and prolonged global effects of the Covid-19 pandemic...the release of Black Widow on Disney+ with Premier Access has significantly enhanced her ability to earn additional compensation on top of the $20M she has received to date."

-Some spokesperson, digging

themselves in deeper

Pictured: lawyers, seen with with
documentation. They love documentation.

Wow. Ok, so to be clear, I don't so much care about Black Widow, or Marvel movies in general, or Disney, and I don't think anyone's acting is worth tens of millions of dollars. I have nothing against Scarlet Johansson, but I mean, it's just acting. That said, couple of things: if Johansson is suing because she feels Disney has breached their agreement, chances are that she has something, you know, in writing. She's probably not just making it up. You don't sue one of the largest and most powerful media companies if you can't show receipts. So yeah, there's some merit.

"How dare she insist we fulfill our
contractural obligations during a pandemic!"

-Disney Studios, the aggrieved party 

And why are they bringing up COVID-19? It's a pandemic, not The Purge, laws still apply. You can't just go back on a contract and say "corona virus made me do it." Also, the pandemic can't be justification for breaking the contract and a reason to call Johansson callous for suing over it at the same time. I mean, pick one. Speaking of callous behavior (weren't we?), remember that time they re-opened their parks at the hight of the danger? It's ok if you don't, because the internet does. Anyway, I'm just not sure they should be calling out other people as callous.

Again, I know we're talking about a lot of money here. An amount far in excess of what you or I will ever see. But Disney's suggestion that she should shut up and be happy with what she got while at the same time raking in an uptick in subscriptions thanks to her movie is pretty shitty and I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that the pandemic isn't the only reason they think they can get away with this.

Pictured: Scarlett Johansson and five other actors that Disney would never have tried this on.

Today in people threatened by cartoons:

"Goddamnit slow, inexorable
forward march of time..."

Do you know what I don't care about? He-Man. I mean, I say that, but like, I used to watch the cartoon as a kid and I even saw the live action Dolph Lundgren/Frank Langella movie, and it's fine as early 80's animated toy commercials with a hastily tacked on PSA's go. But as a grownup, and one who freely admits still being into a lot of things that I probably should have moved on from now that I have a job and joint pain, this just didn't follow me to adulthood. And that's fine.

That said, I did watch part one of Kevin Smith's He-Man and The Masters of the Universe reboot cartoon, because I mean, what the hell else am I going to do with my time?

Taxes? Compare insurance rates? What I ask you, what?

Pictured: shameless
feminist pandering.

Yes, the one that's been the subject of the full force and condemnation of the worst humanity has to offer: toxic fans. Like, look at some of these user reviews from Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes: "Shameless feminist pandering..." "Insulting assault on masculinity..." "Stop ruining our childhood nostalgia." I can't help but wonder if maybe some of these people don't have...I don't know, other issues they're working through? Or at least, probably should be working through? Here, here's some more of these:

"This is nothing more than more of the same WOKE (sic) ideology you've seen in every other movie or tv shows (sic, again)."

-The appropriately named Turboangst 

Turboangst still hasn't gotten over Last Man Standing's cancelation. 

Haven't 80's kids suffered enough?

Seems a little touchy on the subject of "wokeness." We may be on to something, let's press on:

"This show literally (can I sic misusing the word "literally?") lacks a strong male lead. Change the name to SHE-MAN. Kevin Smith ruined one of the most beloved franchises of millions of 80s kids. This 21st century wokeness is trash."

-Bellizz on how trash 

all this wokeness is

Yup, definitely sensing a fear that Teela, who features prominently in part one, will somehow upend the natural order and end thousands of years of male domination. Which is weird since the slow but steady collapse of patriarchy is doing all the heavy lifting there and also she's a cartoon character, but here we are. 

History will look back on the day that Teela from He-Man
got an asymmetrical haircut as the day the reign of man ended.

Above: Kevin Smith, seen
here loving communism.

"Kevin Smith lied and is a lair ClownFish TV was right and they disrespected my boy He-Man and made it in to the Teela show...Kevin Smith made her a card bored ('nother sic, or is that word play? Kinda?) cutout of all these weirdo SJW leftist that sit on Twitter all day trying to cancel people that don't love Communism like Kevin loves Communism."

-athieistman69 going off on 

communi-oh, I get it, 69, like 

the sex act? What a card...

 

Hmm...ok, now we're just ranting about communism and leftism and it's really just a big tangle of cis straight white American male anxiety, isn't it? I don't know, like I said, I'm not a huge He-Fan, but I thought the show was pretty good and anyone feeling threatened by a cartoon probably needs to reevaluate...you know, everything? 

"Ow! He punched me right in my fragile masculinity!"

-Internet trolls

Today in kind of a kuso mitai na shō:

It was nice to see some flag waving this
year that wasn't part of an insurrection. 

Finally, a reason to care about the Olympics! Ok, fine, I don't not care about the Olympics. Like I recognize the importance of a shared, universal experience, particularly in these fraught and divisive times. That's super, except that it's still a sports thing and if I'm being honest, my attention span sort of flatlines at the mere mention of athletics. But this year the opening ceremonies used video game music for the Parade of Nations where competitors from each country march in waving their flags.

While a fan of video games, I'm not sure I see the connection to the Olympics. Like, gaming isn't an Olympic event and as much as I'd love to say that my hobby constitutes a sport, it doesn't. If chess isn't a sport, neither is gaming.

What? I just...I just feel that if you can do it from a seated position it's not a
sport. Huh? What's that? Yeah, the luge is on your back, thank you very much.

Regular people? Definitely not.
Awesome people? Absolutely. 

But the Olympics are being held in Tokyo and Japan is to video gaming as America is to reckless gun ownership: we didn't invent it, but we're the best at it. Anyway, between the the scandals, sexism, drug tests, Holocaust jokes and the pandemic, it's been a real kuso mitai na shō (it means shitshow...kinda). And I guess I'm just glad to hear a story that isn't about what a debacle it's been even if regular people probably didn't notice that the Kazakhstani were marching to The Crystal Theme from Final Fantasy.

Don't...don't even look it up, just
trust me when I say it's pretty bad.

Cool, finally going right. Except. So the original composer for the music for the opening ceremonies, a man called Oyamada Keigo, who goes by the stage name Cornelius, stepped down because some interviews from the 90's surfaced where he talked about bullying fellow students when he was in school. He later apologized, but goddamn, he did some pretty heinous stuff, so it's probably (definetly) for the best that he resigned. It's a little unclear if any of his music was used, but at least video game scores are safe, right? Free from any tinge of scandal? 

Above: Composer Koichi Sugiyama, seen
here probably muttering to himself that the
Nanjing Massacre never really happened. 

So the first piece used is Roto's Theme from the Dragon Quest series. It's, well, we'd probably say "iconic" but that word is super-overused, and kind of dumb, so let's just say it's a classic. The whole series' score is among the best and most recognizable in all of gaming, and given the massive success of and affection for, Dragon Quest in Japan, it makes total sense that they'd borrow it for the ceremony. It's the Japanese gaming national anthem. But that brings us back to the "except." It makes total sense that they'd borrow the score except for the fact that composer Koichi Sugiyama is an ultra-nationalist warcrimes denying shitheel and right-wing talkshow host.

So maybe his music wasn't the best pick for the Olympics? Thankfully, the Parade of Nations was in Japanese alphabetical order so China, the country Sugiyama contends wasn't the victim of Imperial Japan's warcrimes--even though it totally was, of course it was, we have pictures, stop lying about it. Anyway, China ended up as number 109 in the parade, which I think was somewhere in Sonic the Hedgehog territory, but it still seems like they could have grabbed something from Zelda or The Moon Theme from Ducktales.

Incidentally, while not rising to the level of warcrime,
the Sonic games are something of a mixed bag.

Who died and made him Santa?

I think it's super that CNN's Van Jones and Spanish chef José Andrés are going to use the money to help others. They're class acts. But my issue is-huh? What? Oh, the one hundred million dollars Jeff Bezos is giving them. Each. 

"Bring me the chef known as José Andrés and the one they call Van Jones.
They please me and so shall they be rewarded. This I command."

-Bezos the Wealthy, First of His Name,

Lord of Low Orbit and Evader of Taxes

Maybe one of them will
buy him a better hat.

The prize, which Jeff Bezos just made up and is not in any way damage control for the backlash against his rich people space tourism initiative, is called the Courage and Civility Award. The recipients can do whatever they want with it, he said at the press conference (the one with the hat) he held shortly after returning from space, which again, is unrelated to this. "They can give it all to their own charity, or they can share they wealth. It's up to them."

And that's great. According to Andrés, he's already planning to use the money for his World Central Kitchen organization that feeds communities facing disasters, gives grants to farmers, and just generally makes the world a better place. 

I suppose there's some symmetry in the organization getting funding
from the very same capitalism run amok that is responsible for
for causing many of the disasters whose victims they service.

What? He's got hundreds of billions of
dollars,  you don't think he moisturizes?

Anyway, my problem here, as I whinged on about yesterday, is that Bezos doesn't pay taxes, he exploits his workers, and he waves new distribution centers in front of cities who then fight over who can give Amazon the most concessions. Sure, it's great he's "sharing the wealth," and I'm sure Van Jones and José Andrés are going to help tons of people. But money is power and way too much of it is in Jeff Bezos's smooth, un-callused hands. And it shouldn't be. That's what taxes are for.

Two puppies enter, one puppy leaves.
Puppy Dome, a Prime Video exclusive.

Ok, that's not what they're for. They're for roads and schools and things, but they also have the effect of making sure that we're a democracy and not an oligarchy--which, holy shit, we are an oligarchy and have been for decades. Look, what I'm saying is that it's a broken system when someone can accumulate that much wealth and then make hand outs only to the people and causes they prefer. Again, nothing against Jones and Andrés, but what if Bezos decides one day that he wants to support puppy fights. Like, forcing puppies to fight for sport. He can do it.

Fine, I don't really think Jeff Bezos is pro-puppy murder, but the point is he could be or the people he deems worthy of his totally not hastily thrown together Courage and Civility Award could be. And let's not lose sight of the fact that to someone with two hundred and three billion dollars, two hundred million is like what he finds in his couch cushions. I'm not trying to be a dick-shaped rocket here, I just don't think he's a hero for evading taxes, hoarding wealth and then throwing around (comparative) chump change to take the stink off.

Pictured: Jeff Bezos (in a much better hat), handing out
money shortly before gassing the assembled crowd.

Ad Astra Per Amazon

Jeff Bezos, the multi-billionaire who briefly slipped the surly bonds of earth in his penis shaped rocket this morning, expressed his heartfelt appreciation to us, the little people, who made all of this possible. How? We buy junk on Amazon, that's how. 

Pictured: The spaceship Jeff Bezos built so rich people can boldly go where only
people who've dedicated their lives to science and exploration have gone before.
Not pictured: any indication that he appreciates the irony of the design.

I'm not pro-guillotine, but I mean,
how do these billionaires think this ends?

According to Bezos:

"I want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer, 'cause you guys paid for all this. So seriously, for every Amazon customer out there, and every Amazon employee, thank you from the bottom of my heart, very much. It's very appreciated."

-The tone-deaf gratitude of a man

blissfully unaware of how close

we are to pitchforks and torches 

Like opportunistic retail hermit crabs,
they just sort of move in to the empty
shells of shuttered businesses.

Yup, that was us. So I'd like to say on behalf of every independent bookseller who was driven out of business by Amazon's bullying of and then collusion with publishers, and all the brick and mortal retailers that have been replaced by Spirit Halloween stores, and every startup that Amazon went into business with only to copy their products and sell as "Amazon Basics," and of course on behalf of every Amazon delivery driver and warehouse worker who's had to shit in a plastic bag, seriously, from the bottom of all of our hearts, Jeff Bezos can go fuck himself. 

Sorry, too far? Was it the corpse thing?
It was the corpse thing, wasn't it?

Fine, maybe that's a bit harsh, but in what world is a thanks from a man who made his billions--virtually tax-free--on the backs of underpaid workers anything but a gigantic union-busting middle finger to us all? We didn't send him to space. He didn't even really go to space. He choked American retail to death and then rode its corpse into what can barely and only by the strictest of definitions be considered space. He shouldn't thank us with words, he should thank us by paying his employees living wages. And his goddamn taxes. What even is that? 

Ok, ok. Calming down. It's just that I can't understand how this guy is sitting on a stage joking about how we all sent him to space by buying useless shit off Amazon when he could, with the wave of his hand--or I suppose a check or something--feed starving people or end homelessness. Instead he's taking reservations to send other rich asshats into low orbit on the Starship U.S.S. Clearly a Dick. 

Pictured: Bezos, seen here in an idiotic hat, 
trolling the delivery drivers he makes shit in bags.