Tatooine Needs Women!

Slave Leia is to sci-fi conventions
what 'slutty nurse' is to Halloween.

Hey look, there's a casting breakdown for Star Wars: Episode VII and it includes not one, but two female characters! One of them is listed first leading to speculation that the new trilogy will not only include major female characters, but maybe even feature a female lead. And before you remind me that Princess Leia is a woman and a major character do an image search and see how long it takes before you come across Carrie Fisher in a gold-bikini. I mean, she wears it for like ten minutes in Jedi yet 95% of female Star Wars cosplay is devoted to slave girl Leia.

Above: The smouldering remains of
Aunt Beru represented exactly 50% of
A New Hope's female characters

I think it's safe to say that George Lucas's universe has been somewhat lacking in female space-hero department. Seriously, name some other original trilogy female characters? You've got the Twi'lek dancers, Mon Mothma and Aunt Freaking Beru. So strippers, the Rebellion's den mother and one of like five people in the entire galaxy the Storm Troopers actually managed to hit. That's it. You'd think that George Lucas would have taken the opportunity to address this imbalance in the force when he made the prequels, but no, not so much. 

While there are certainly more women in Episodes I-III, you kind of get the impression that the Star Wars universe hates them. Behold this rundown:

"Oh...I see how it is."

So strong female characters for Episode VII. Progress, right? Well, sort of. While the characters listed do sound a little more diverse than the galactic sausage fest that was the last six Star Wars movies, there is a weird 'no fatties' subtext going on. All the characters but one are described as 'fit' and the one who isn't '[a]pparently doesn't need to be fit' (but probably will be). Anyway, as someone with nieces being raised geek orthodox, I guess I should be happy that they'll have some more nerd role-models to look up to who aren't just space Kabuki Barbie dolls and rancor snacks. 

*Yeah ok, the books and The Clone Wars series have Mara Jade and Ashoka Tano, but J. J. Abrams is probably not going to use the Expanded Universe as a basis for the new films. What few women there are in the EU (badass they might be) are soon to be consigned to non-canon oblivion so so much for that.

J. J. Abrams isn't exactly known for sticking to canon. Take Benedict Cumberbatch
in Star Trek Into Darkness. I mean, how did Eric Bana going back in time and
killing Captain Kirk's dad turn Khan into a white English dude?

In space, no one cares about your band.

Just pretend to read your paper
and above all, do not engage.

Have you ever thought someone was talking to you on the bus or on the subway and then you realize they're just talking to themselves? You try to spot a cellphone or a bluetooth, but no, it turns out they're just carrying on a conversation with voices only they can hear. Well, that's the human race, or at least it will be starting June 18th when our planet begins babbling into the void in hopes of attracting aliens. Because if there's one thing you want to do with the weirdo on the subway, it's talk to them.

It's called the Lone Signal Project, and like any human endeavor worth doing, it has a trailer. Here, check it out. It consists mostly of lens flare, flickering graphics and a bunch of actors pretending to give a shit about the possibility of life on other worlds. If anything it makes the case that our species is too pretentious to contact alien civilizations.

Attention aliens: Earth is infested with carbon-based hipsters.
Under no circumstances should you attempt to land.

It's sort of an interstellar poetry slam.
And who wouldn't want to travel
17 light years for one of those?

Instead of sitting around listening for alien transmissions, the Lone Signal Project's idea is to beam a message into space. Cool right? Well, sort of. In addition to the old hailing frequency standbys like the prime numbers, welcome to Earth in a hundred languages and directions on how to find our defenseless planet, we'll also be spewing a meaningless stream of consciousness submitted by random people. And we'll be spewing it at Gliese 526 (just a stone's throw from Zarmina Prime!) in the vague hope that someone answers.

This is kind of weird since nobody's actually spotted any planets orbiting Gliese 526, but I suppose that doesn't matter given that this whole thing is doomed to failure. I'm not trying to rain on anyone's crazy space parade here, but the LSP is making some pretty goddamn big assumptions.

Above: The crazy space parade.

Incidentally, scientists have discovered
circumstantial signs of life in Arizona.

Firstly, even if Gliese 526 has planets, it doesn't necessarily follow that they're terrestrial. On the off chance that it does and they are, there's still the distinct possibility that they are lifeless rocky deserts like Arizona. We have, to date, discovered only one life-bearing world and, well, you're soaking in it. But let's say that there is a planet in orbit of Gliese 526 and let's also say that it supports life. Cool. But is it intelligent? We might just be talking to squirrels. Alien squirrels, but still, squirrels. 

"Yeah, I'm from Earth. You've
probably never heard of it." 

But fine, let's assume that there is an inhabitable, Earth-like planet full of intelligent, tool-using humanoids who would like nothing better than to talk to our Hipster Space Ambassadors, who's to say they even have the means to pick up our signal? I mean, maybe they've moved beyond primitive radio to something more advanced like telepathy or Pandora. And even if they have radios, is blathering away at them in English really going to accomplish anything? 

Or for all we know, they could be living in caves or in their version of the Old West. This happened on Star Trek all the time, usually to save on sets by reusing the Paramount backlot, but still the premise is sound. The universe is billions of years old, there's no reason to assume that an alien civilization is anywhere near our level of development.

"Spock, let me get this straight: We've landed on a planet that's exactly like Earth in the 1960's,
so much so that the locals speak a language that sounds precisely like English? That seems...unlikely."

"Yes Captain, I am detecting high levels of bullshit." 

"I know you're still there..."

Look, I'm not against the quest for life on other worlds. Really, I'm not. I think sending messages to other planets is a great idea. But could we aim for actual planets? Or better yet, let's invent warp drive and go there ourselves. Sure, you can send a message to Gliese 526, but it's going to take like 18 years to get there and assuming there's anyone listening, another 18 to get a message back. It'll be like one of those text conversations where the other person takes forever to get back to you and I just don't have the patience. 

Jiroemon Kimura, we hardly knew ye!

Kimura once said of Steampunk:
"You're doing it wrong."

Sad day everybody, the planet has just lost Jiroemon Kimura, the world's oldest human. He was 116. Yes, years old. He was born in 1897. In addition to being the oldest living man (most centenarians are women) he was also one of only 22 people living today who were born in the 19th century. The nineteenth century, that's the century before the last century. You know, the sepia-tone one with all the mustaches and steam-powered cyborgs? Yeah, this guy was alive in three different centuries. That sound you just heard? That was your mind exploding.

Kimura credits his long life to exercise,
healthy diet and choosing the correct grail.

To put 116 years old into context, when Jiroemon Kimura was born there were no such things as airplanes or television and William Goddamn McKinley was President of the U.S. Kimura lived through the entire 20th century: two world wars, the founding and collapse of the Soviet Union, the sinking of the Titanic, the Spanish Flu, and being from Japan: 61 Prime Ministers, 4 Emperors, and 28 Godzilla movies. When he retired from the post office at age 65 in 1962 and became a farmer, nobody had ever walked on the moon, computers took up entire rooms and everyone wore hats, like all the time.

Kimura's passing leaves 115 year old Misao Okawa as the world's oldest living person and number one suspect. I'm not saying that she had anything to do with his death, I'm just saying that she's the only one with something to gain.

When asked where she was when Kimura died, Okawa just smiled,
whispered "there can be only one," turned and walked away.

Really? We're going with 'Schmeat'?

Say you invented lab-grown meat and you wanted to attract financial backing. Would you name your new product: A) Schmeat or B) Holy shit, anything but Schmeat? If you said A, congratulations, you might be really good at growing in vitro meat in a lab, but you're terrible at marketing.

"This schmeat is shmamazing!"™
You're welcome schmeat industry.

"We're aiming for $250 per pound by 2025."

-Schmientists 

Later this month, schmeatgineers will be grilling the world's first lab-grown hamburger at a launch party/barbecue in London. Cool right? Sort of. When I say the world's first lab-grown burger, I mean the first and, to date, only. It's one burger and it took two years and cost $338,000 to...uh...culture, so you'll want to eat a little something before you show up. The hope is that the unveiling will attract investors who will fund further research and with any luck drive down the astronomical cost of producing schmeat.

Ok, so once you get over the initial ew gross of eating vat-grown bovine tissue, schmeat actually sounds kind of awesome. Since it's grown in a lab somewhere, schmeat doesn't require grazing land, doesn't produce methane and most importantly doesn't require a bolt gun to the head. Even PETA's behind it, and they hate everything.

M&M's? Seriously? What did they do? Oh...oh dear God...

"Holy shit, you're doing what with my cells?
 I think I'd rather you just ate me now..."

Of course, the fact that schmeat is essentially a sci-fi horror show will take some getting used to and that might not be as easy as it sounds. The schmeat is grown from cells taken from a live animal, and while it doesn't involve killing it, we'll just have to try not to think about the fact that our dinner is alive and well, chewing its cud on a farm somewhere, blissfully unaware that at that very moment its muscle tissue is being digested in three-hundred million American stomachs.

But if it means murder-free burgers, I guess we can deal, right? Probably. Although how long do you suppose it will be before some weirdo in a lab coat comes up with Schmeople.™ I mean, someone's going to try it eventually...

Try the new vat-grown McLongpig!
For a limited time only.

What, we're just making up elves now?

"Uh...that'll be $300,000."

-Christopher Tolkien

I and many others like me (nerds, mainly) have made no secret of the fact that we question the wisdom of Peter Jackson's decision to break The Hobbit into three movies. Last year's first installment: The Hobbit: Origins: The Beginening: Bilbo Rises kind of provided some vindication for us nay-sayers. It was by no means a bad movie, but it was needlessly long and padded with material ranging from Tolkien's original notes to posthumous scribblings his son 'found' on a napkin whenever a mortgage payment was due.

As we approach part two of an increasingly unnecessary trilogy, photos of actress Evangeline Lily (she was on Lost) as the Sylvan Elf Tauriel have emerged. 

Pictured: Lily as Tauriel, robbing the shit out of any
 rich noble who dares to pass through Sherwood.

In the rigid Elven caste system, Sylvan elves
rank above the Keebler, who toil endlessly
in the brutal cookie trees of Rivendell.

'Who the what elf?' Tauriel is a Sylvan elf which is I gather is a sort of elf-working class because apparently elves are now racist or something (elfist?). She's also Captain of the Elven guard and a childhood pal of Legolas. Yup, she's a brand new character and so I'm a little torn. I mean, Peter Jackson's stated rational for stretching the book into three goddamn long movies was to do justice to the source material, but if The Hobbit is so chock-full of screen-worthy scenes that not a single page of Tolkienian goodness can be left out, why the hell does he need to invent new characters and draw on outside material? 

On the other hand, it's not like the excellent Lord of the Rings movies didn't take some license with the trilogy. Jackson cut scenes and condensed events both for time and to make the damn thing watchable. 

I'm pretty sure Lurtz the Super-Orc wasn't in any of the books,
but Fellowship needed a Final Boss Fight so blamo, there he is.

Behold: The mighty clone-vats of Gondor

Also, it's also hard to complain about the addition of a female character to an otherwise epic sausage fantasy fest. In the LOTR movies, Jackson beefed Arwen's and Éowyn's roles because holy shit, reading the books you begin to wonder how Middle Earthlings even breed. While it's nice to be true to the source material, it's also nice when people come see your movie. A straight-up shot-for-shot, slavishly accurate Hobbit movie might please the ultra-fans who made it through The Silmarillion and speak elvish but I don't know if I'd want to sit through it. 

So, I don't know, maybe The Hobbit Into Darkness will be will be great and maybe it'll be another three-hour plod through Middle Earth where we'll sit there wondering why the Eagles didn't just drop them off at the Lonely Mountain. Either way, I'm pretty sure I'll be giving Peter Jackson and the good people of New Zealand another $11 to find out.

"Seriously Gandalf? You're just going to let them drop us off here?
We're Dwarves. Short Legs. This'll take like two more movies, at least..."

-Thorin Oakenshield,

whiner under the mountain

Audiophiles

Pictured: a Hootenanny.

So let me preface this with two important points. Firstly, the following post will contain language that
some people might find offensive because it refers to sex acts. While we're all adults living in the 21st century there are still some people who can't discuss wing-wangs and hootenannies and what people do with them without snickering like twelve year olds or getting all uptight and offended before feinting in disgust. Like for real everybody, it's time we all get over it.

Secondly, the fact that Michael Douglas's cancer is in remission is awesome. Fuck cancer. And no, you're totally not allowed to be offended by the phrase 'fuck cancer,' because for real: fuck it, it's the worst.

Seriously, cancer's a dick.

No, you're thinking of aural,
this was oral: with an 'o.'

Anyway, you may recall that Michael Douglas recently told The Guardian that his throat cancer wasn't caused by smoking but was a result of the human papillomavirus or HPV which he contracted from oral sex. Wow. Thanks for being upfront about it Michael. It's nice to know that we're all mature enough as a society to discuss STD's in a frank and honest-oh wait, no, guess not. Ok. Today, Allen Burry, the actor's representative, is saying that Douglas was misquoted.

While Douglas and Xan Brooks (the interviewer) discussed HPV as a known cause of cancer, he didn't, according to Burry, cite it as the cause of his cancer. That's right everybody, rest assured that Mr. Douglas's cancer was caused by alcohol abuse, drugs and a nicotine addiction and not something repulsive like sexually pleasuring his partner.

Sometimes I think there's something seriously wrong with us...

John Bullshit? No? Alright...

Calling John Bullshit on Allen Burry's statement, the British newspaper defended itself by posting the audio of the interview. While it sounds like it was recorded several rooms away while underwater it is clear that Douglas did indeed cite HPV as the cause of his cancer.

Xan Brooks: Do you feel, in hindsight, that you overloaded your system? Overloaded your system with drugs, smoking, drink?

Michael Douglas: No. No. Ah, without getting too specific, this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus. 

Michael Douglas: known
fornicator. Approach with caution.

Blamo. There it is. In the audio clip, he seems pretty upfront about it, so I'm guessing that his representative was trying to walk back something he thought would hurt the actor's career, but whatever. It's pretty messed up that anyone would think they would have to keep the truth about an illness a secret because of some Victorian stigma attached to it. Like what did Douglas's rep think we were going to do, make him wear a scarlet O in his next movie?

I don't know, it seems like this would have been a great opportunity to raise awareness of an STD which is so common that anyone who has sex ever will get it at some point. Holy shit, right? On the other hand, this incident did raise awareness of what an idiot Michael Douglas's rep is. Like did it never occur to him that the interview might have been recorded?

It's not like audio recordings ever came back to bite someone in the ass.

A Feast for Slow News Days

"Well, I noticed that people like swords and tits
so I thought: why not write about those?" 

-George R. R . Martin 

Wow, the internet has been awash with Game of Thrones spoilers lately, so much so that if you've somehow managed to avoid them and haven't seen this week's GOT, stop reading now. In fact, stay off the internet altogether. If you have seen it/don't give a shit about everyone's favorite quasi-medieval soap opera about ice zombies and nudity, please continue. Still there? Neat. Check this out. And this. And these. Yeah, they're all 'news' stories about Sunday night's murderific installment.

I guess I can understand people freaking out on Facebook, but the news? They're covering it like it's a real event with most of the articles devoted to telling us stab by stab what happened. What's the point? Anyone reading the article either already saw it so they know what happens or haven't seen it yet and don't want it spoiled for them by Eonline.

Sure it's not news, but that's never stopped anyone before. 

The original title for book 5
was much more appropriate

Oh, and hey, why is everybody so shocked? Sure, a bunch of (relatively) likable characters got murdered but even if someone hasn't read the books already, they've certainly seen the show before. By the end of season one they'd chopped off Sean Bean's head and threw an eight-year old out the window for catching a brother and sister getting all Luke and Leia on each other. I mean, practically every episode so far is chock full of murder, torture and incest. Why is anyone surprised that a third of the cast got killed off last night? Betrayal and murder are to GOT what alterna-rock montages and being terrible are to Grey's Anatomy. A surprising episode would involve Joffrey having two dates for the prom or Arya being offered a joint and learning a valuable lesson about saying no to drugs.

Incidentally, I still wouldn't tell
anyone about reading Shannara...

Anyway, while telling everybody about what you saw on TV last night isn't really the same thing as news, it is kind of weirdly gratifying to see everyone getting into a fantasy novel. There was a time where simply admitting that you'd read The Sword of Shannara* was tantamount to admitting that you had nothing to offer a potential sexual partner. Now, thanks to things like GOT, the Harry's Potter, and all 75 hours of Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings, we can publicly profess our geeky tendencies without fear of reprisal. Now nerdery is everywhere. It used to be months between sci-fi and fantasy movies and apart from Star Trek spin-offs, the closest we got to TV geekery was Beauty and the Beast (also written by George R. R. Martin...we owe this man).

It's only June and I've already seen Iron Man 3, Star Trek 12 and some bullshit about Tom Cruise not being gay in the future. There's still Man of Steel, Matt Damon as a cyborg and a Guillermo del Toro movie about giant robots punching equally giant monsters. Goddamn, it's a good time to be a nerd.

...does that make this science fiction or fantasy?