 |
Oh...uh, apologies to some of
the hillbillies out there. |
So what about anything--poll numbers, the economy, the world in general--would lead J.D. Vance to think that anyone,
anyone, wanted to hear his tight five about turkey? I'm sorry, I'm being unfair. It was not five,
and it was far from tight. But for the Vice President, who famously called Trump Hitler, before hitching his fake hillbilly wagon to--wait, are hillbilly's associated with wagons? And is hillbilly kind of, you know, offensive? It feels like it might be insulting. Apologies to the hillbillies out there.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Sorry, it's been a few months. So Vance, whose only job qualification is sycophancy, and whose only job is to have a pulse, was at Fort Campbell, Tennessee serving food to the troops when he decided to shit all over turkey for some reason. Obviously I mean that figuratively, but if anyone wants to make it a pervasive rumor that people have look up on Snopes or whatever, I'm not going to stop you.
 |
"You know, there's extra gravy in it for you if you agree to follow
whatever orders the President gives, regardless of legality."
-Vice President Vance, trying his best |
 |
Pictured: The Vice President, seen
here with some of the troops he accused
of being "full of shit" for liking turkey. |
Now, I know what you're thinking: doesn't the military have kitchen staff? Well, yes. Of course they do. I mean, unless they were trans, or gay, or grew a beard, but the point wasn't to serve the soldiers. The point was to exploit them for a photo op. And, since the cameras were rolling anyway, Vance decided to try out his: "does anyone actually like turkey?" bit. Many answered in the affirmative, but since "yes" wasn't the answer he needed for his joke, he accused the troops of being liars. Well, first he said they were full of shit, then he called them liars.
 |
| Above: a couch. |
Which is wild coming from a member of the current administration, but wilder still coming from the guy who
freely admitted to just making things up to get media attention. And then to do on and-huh? Oh, specifically making up racist lies about Haitians. Maybe the eating dogs thing? It doesn't matter, the point is he's full of shit. We know he's full of shit. He knows that we know that he's full of shit, and he's one hundred percent comfortable with that. Truth doesn't matter, and that's one of the many reasons he's the literal worst. Ok, Vice Literal Worse.
 |
The math doesn't check out, which
tracks, because they don't believe in math. |
So, clearly the troops like turkey, I like turkey, millions of Americans like turkey. Even J.D. Vance, in the midst of his idiotic "turkey's bad, amiright?" routine, spoke about his plans to have turkey tomorrow. I guess my question is why did no one on his staff wave him off the "trash an American tradition" jokes? Maybe I'm giving them too much credit, but comedy is logical, and the basic logic of this line of--and I'm being generous here--humor, is flawed. Turkey is simply not the new fruit cake.
 |
| Look, nobody cares. Merry Christmas. |
This whole thing is particularly bizarre given the right's obsession with positioning themselves as the defenders of all things traditional. The right's bread and butter voters are people who build their entire personality around being persecuted for saying "Merry Christmas," and "God Bless America," (two things no one in the history of forever has ever been persecuted for saying) but here's this goon is calling the troops liars for not
yes and'ing his fumbling and cringy sub-Seinfeldian observational humor about our most traditional holiday meal? I know their too Fox-News and Twitter-addled to know when they're being played, but shouldn't they be outraged by the V.P.'s hardline anti-turkey stance?
You know, I'd say he shouldn't give up the day job, but maybe he should. Quit I mean. Quit and never speak in public again?
 |
On the other hand, if Vance gave up Vice President-ing for a career in
comedy, we'd be only one Epstein list away from a Mike Johnson
Presidency, so I suppose it's for the best he stays where he is for now. |